Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [125]
Though the business aspect of my trip no longer mattered, I chose to extend my stay in Oregon. One of my last nights was celebrated with a picnic on the beach. We built a fire and roasted a chicken, all huddled together in the slightly chilly breeze of early evening. As we sat laughing and munching on the delicious food, the conversation shifted from light to deep. My siblings put me on the spot, questioning me about why I remained in the FLDS and trying to convince me to leave.
“Do you honestly believe in Warren?”
I had no answer.
“Why are you still there?” they pushed.
“I have to take care of Ally and Sherrie!” I retorted, the sting of abandonment still remembered in my heart. At the time I thought that neither Kassandra nor Craig had any idea what it had felt like to be deserted. It had happened to me six times, and the thought of inflicting that kind of a wound on Sherrie and Ally was deplorable.
It was a hard conversation, but in the end it was helpful for all of us. I finally felt free to confront Kassandra about the pain she had put me through when she fled. “I feel like you just left me.”
She understood how I had felt and told me how sorry she was that she couldn’t be there for me at that time. We hugged in reconciliation and I was relieved to be free of the weighty and difficult feelings of betrayal that I’d been carrying with me all this time. Then they told me something that was important for me to hear.
“You would not be an evil person if you left,” Craig told me firmly. “You are whatever you decide to be.”
The sun had long since disappeared over the glittering ocean, leaving us with only the flickering light from our fire to see by. I felt so warm and comforted beside them even with the new unsettling thoughts that swam around in my mind. I had been in Oregon for what felt like a short time, but already something in me was changing. I wasn’t ready to take the big leap, and I appreciated that my brothers and sister could see that. Nonetheless, my eyes were opening to a new and different world, one that would allow me to be anyone I wanted.
After that night, the cell phone calls from Allen, which had been coming in throughout my stay in Oregon, became unavoidable. It had been almost three weeks since I’d left him, and his messages were getting more flustered and impatient every day. When I finally picked up, he sounded furious: “You come home right now.” I knew that if I continued to ignore him and didn’t go home right away, I would get into major trouble. Mom also phoned me, asking me to return.
“Lesie, come back, please,” she said softly, almost pleading. “I can’t lose you, too. I need you here, and these two little girls need you.”
My taste of freedom and real life had been a thrilling adventure, but I knew my time in Oregon was over. My belief system had begun to fray at the edges, but it was far from gone, and my obligation to Mom and the girls weighed heavily on my mind. Quietly I still wondered: If I left, would I really be okay? Or would doomsday arrive and leave my wasted body behind while the righteous were lifted up to heaven?
I boarded a plane in my long, drab FLDS skirt and top, a far cry from the comfortable and stylish clothes I’d been loving in Oregon. Allen was waiting for me when I arrived in Vegas, wearing a look of frustrated disdain. I could see he was irritated with me and berated me during the trip home. “I’m your priesthood head!” he exclaimed, exasperated. “I am done sitting by and excusing your terrible behavior.”
After a while I just stopped listening. I was shocked and amused to discover that all I could think to myself was, “I don’t care.”
Since I was no longer an employee of Saladmaster, I put myself on the schedule for some double shifts at the Mark Twain restaurant to make up for the drop in my income. I’d report in for my first shift around 11:00 A.M. and then stay on through closing after 10:00 P.M. In addition to bringing in extra money, this routine allowed me to spend a good part of the night away from home. Even though