Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [68]
When I returned to my mother’s room, I found a draft of a letter that my mother had composed. In it, she’d begged her new husband, my new father, to be sensitive to my situation and realize that this was hard for me. She asked for a delay of two years and made it clear that if I married now, it would just create problems in the future. She’d even raised issues about Allen, explaining that he seemed to be a very immature person who didn’t appear ready for a wife and reiterating that Allen and I were first cousins.
The letter surprised me. I’d been pleading with her do something to prevent the marriage, and all along she’d seemed so sure that the situation would somehow work itself out on its own. Now finally she was trying to lobby on my behalf, but as a woman, Mom had no sway with Uncle Fred or the prophet. Still, it made me love my mother even more to know that she was listening to me when it seemed no one else was.
I collapsed into bed that night but couldn’t fall asleep. I searched for reasons why Warren would contradict the words of the prophet. He’d been pushing the marriage as though the prophet had decided it for me, but I had heard the opposite from Uncle Rulon’s mouth. I didn’t know if this was truly the will of God.
On one hand it felt like I was being given to Allen for all the work he’d done for Uncle Fred, but on the other hand, it felt like there was a much larger reason, I just didn’t know what it was. Uncle Fred could have asked the prophet to reward Allen with any of his daughters, but he’d chosen me, the young girl from the problem family, the girl whose brothers had all abandoned the priesthood. It was no secret that I had been close to my brothers, especially after the move to Uncle Fred’s. Perhaps Uncle Fred and Warren felt the risk that I’d follow in their footsteps was too great. Whereas the church was perfectly willing to let boys go, I can now see that the prospect of losing a girl was too much for them. If I left, I might bring other girls along, or get them to start questioning things. I know now that I was confident and I wasn’t afraid to ask my questions. In short, I was a problem, and if they didn’t solve it, they’d end up paying for it later.
The next day proved even more difficult. By the time I arrived at church that Sunday, deep melancholy had taken over my mind. Bouncing between prayer, sadness, hope, and fear over the past days had finally taken its toll on me. Choosing a seat in one of the rows, I tried to steady myself for the sermon. That was when I felt Allen’s body next to mine. He was just a few inches away from me, and he didn’t say a word. He didn’t have to. I knew it was him.
“What in the hell are you doing?” I snapped at him.
Allen stumbled awkwardly over the words. “Uncle Fred told me to come sit by you.”
My sadness turned to anger, and I sat seething. I couldn’t believe Uncle Fred would do this to me in front of the entire community. My private struggle was now on display for all to see. Uncle Fred was taking advantage of me by having Allen sit there. Up until this point, few knew that I had been placed with Allen Steed for marriage, but seating us together in church served as a “silent” public announcement. Just having him this close to me felt like an attack.
Stepping out of the meetinghouse that Sunday, I was besieged by the gentle teasing of well-wishers calling me “Mrs. Steed.” Now that the whole congregation knew that Uncle Rulon had had a revelation of marriage for me, any further attempts to get out of it would be publicly viewed as defying the word of the prophet. I could barely contain my fury at Uncle Fred’s carefully crafted act. He’d effectively erased the privacy of my situation and foiled any remaining hope I had for a release from the marriage.
I stared past the happy crowd assembled around me at the majestic red mountains and thought about jumping off one of the sheer faces of rock. It wouldn’t be hard to climb up there, and I was sure it was high enough that the jump would kill me.