Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [81]
“So,” Nancy whispered with a smile stretched across her face, “have you guys really done anything?”
“What? No,” I replied, baffled.
“Well,” she assured me, “maybe it could happen tonight. We could put a bug in Allen’s ear.”
I was a little frustrated, as the whole conversation flew over my head, but later I would look back at my naïveté with longing.
I was relieved when we returned to Short Creek that Saturday and resumed living next to my mother. Although I had to be alone with Allen at night, I felt comforted knowing that Mom was nearby. I remained scared and couldn’t shake the feeling that had set in when Allen said that he had a “right” to me, like I was his to claim, like someone had just handed me to him and now he could do whatever he wanted. I had no idea what he did want, but I knew that sooner or later, this thing he was trying to do with me was going to happen. And like most things that had happened in my life, there would be nothing I could do to stop it. But I wasn’t about to give up without a fight.
A couple of weeks after our wedding, Allen’s parents invited us to their home to celebrate his birthday. He would be turning twenty on May 12, and since we had planned a trip to Canada to visit other family members on that day, Allen’s mothers had prepared a nice pre-birthday dinner for us. After dinner, Allen suggested that it would be nice for us to walk back to Fred’s. He was clearly trying hard to make me feel comfortable, and I didn’t know how to treat him, especially after the way he had been touching me. I didn’t want to be with him, but I knew I had been acting mean and I felt bad. I told myself that I had to give this a shot. I was doing my best to fight the feelings of revulsion and find a way to accept Allen as my priesthood head, so I agreed.
We’d been walking for several minutes when Allen directed us to the small school grounds not far from Uncle Fred’s home. There was a big grassy area with some swings, and he suggested that we stop there and talk for a while. We sat down on the grass looking up at the early-night sky.
“Do you love me?” he asked.
I was quiet. It felt okay, sitting on the ground staring up at the stars. It was a beautiful night, and I could see so many constellations. It didn’t make me love him as I was supposed to, but it was the most effort he’d made toward romance since we were married.
I felt Allen get up beside me, and turning to look at him, I was shocked by what I saw: Allen stood in front of me, exposing himself.
“What are you doing? Put that away!” I demanded, closing my eyes tightly.
“This is what I look like,” he announced matter-of-factly.
“I don’t even want to see,” I shouted, jumping up. I ran as fast I could toward home with Allen close on my tail. I’d never seen a man’s penis before, except when changing baby diapers. Tears streamed from my eyes as I tried to understand what had just happened. I raced upstairs to Mom’s room.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” Mom asked.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. I was too embarrassed, and I thought that she would think I was the most terrible, evil, disgusting person in the world. It was as though I had done something horribly wrong by seeing a man like that. We had always been taught that it was a sin to even touch a boy, let alone see him naked.
“I hate him,” I blurted out. “I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!”
“Who?”
“Allen.”
“Lesie, what happened?”
“I’m not going in that room. I’m not going to talk to him.”
“Did he do something?” Mom asked.
I broke into sobs. Mom’s attempts to calm me down were interrupted by a knock at the door.
“Elissa?” I heard Allen’s voice summoning me.
“Go away!” I shouted.
“Lesie!” Mom admonished. She was desperate for me to stop acting so disrespectfully. I knew I was being immature, but I couldn’t help it. What was happening was just too difficult, and I didn’t have the tools to handle it.
I waited in Mom’s room until two or three in the morning before returning to my bedroom.