Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [83]
I was deep into my algebra exam that morning when I felt a hand on my shoulder. “There is someone at the door for you.” My teacher’s voice startled me from my math problem.
Looking up, I saw Allen standing in the hallway, peeking into the classroom.
“Can you tell him that I’m in the middle of a test?” I asked my teacher.
“I’m not gonna tell him anything,” Mr. Richter informed me. He was one of the stricter teachers, and I knew he wouldn’t help me.
Rising to my feet, I hesitantly made my way to the door. When I reached it, I saw that the school principal had accompanied Allen.
“I’m going to just take you for the day,” Allen told me. “The principal said it’s okay.”
“But I have a test,” I said, hoping the principal would insist that I stay to complete it. But since this was a priesthood school, neither Allen nor the principal saw the importance of my finishing the exam.
Following Allen to the parking lot, I got into the passenger seat. I was livid but held my tongue as we drove around Utah and Arizona. Allen was angry at how I’d acted the previous night, and with a raised voice, he related his frustration. I’d never seen him lose his cool, and his ill temper took me by surprise. In the FLDS, becoming angry was frowned upon.
“I just hate you,” I told him. “And I hope you go to hell.”
At first, he seemed as if he was about to melt into tears, but after a few minutes, he got so upset that he smashed his sunglasses on the steering wheel so hard that a piece of the wheel broke off and fell to the floor. “You didn’t go and tell your mom, did you?” he demanded.
“Tell my mom what?”
“You didn’t go and tell her about anything, did you?” I knew he was referring to what had happened in our bedroom the previous night.
“No.”
“Well, you’d better not,” he reprimanded. “She needs to stay out of our business completely. If it was up to me, we wouldn’t even live by her.”
That night, I refused to go to my room and stayed with my mother, but I didn’t confide in her, despite her offer of support. The following morning I was summoned to Uncle Fred’s office, where I found Allen with Fred. My stomach churned as Fred motioned for me to sit down.
“Allen tells me that you have been rebellious toward him,” he began. “What’s going on?”
I wanted to tell Uncle Fred the truth and how I was certain that Allen didn’t deserve to be a priesthood man and have all the privileges that came along with it. Instead, I tried to save myself. “I’m doing the best I can,” I told him.
I was furious that Allen had gone to him to complain that I wasn’t being a submissive wife. And I hated the smug look he wore as Uncle Fred reprimanded me for disobedience.
“Lesie, you’re not standing up to your vows,” Fred said in a soft voice. I could tell by his tone that Uncle Fred was displeased with me and I shrank in the face of his reprimand. At the end of the meeting, Allen grabbed my hand and led me from the room. I waited until we were out of Uncle Fred’s line of sight before I pulled my hand away from him and ran to find my mother.
A few days had passed when I decided I needed to speak with my mother about what Allen was doing in our bedroom. I was certain that he was telling me a tall tale when he said that it was his right. I couldn’t imagine that it was okay, and I wanted to hear it from Mom.
“Mom, how do people have a baby?” I asked her straight out.
“Well,” she stammered, “that is for Allen to tell you.”
Her refusal to answer my question bothered me. If I had only known what was going on, I would have at least understood what Allen was trying to do. As it was, his actions only made me feel dirty. All she would have had to do was explain what had to happen for a woman to have children, but she didn’t. She’d been admonished by Uncle Fred to stay out of our affairs, and she couldn’t even tell me the one thing that I needed to know.
Days later, I was talking with one of the girls who’d gotten married with me. She could see I was very upset and needed a friend. Taking pity on me, she told me a little about