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Your critics berate you for taking naps in the middle of the day and ending your workday around 4:30 P.M. You should just tell them you’re starting a new American tradition—lunchtime naps for all, and everybody home by five! Do that, and trust me, you’ll be remembered as our greatest President.

How dare they suggest you’re not getting anything done in office? Not true! I have never seen a new President busier than you. It’s almost as if you think your days as The Man are numbered. With the Senate already gone to the Democrats and the House on its way in 2002—well, hey, look at the bright side, you’ll still have two more years before all those sore winners who voted for Gore give you the boot.

Your list of accomplishments—in just your first few months in office—is brutally impressive.

You have:

• Cut $39 million from federal spending on libraries

• Cut $35 million in funding for advanced pediatric training for doctors

• Cut funding for research into renewable energy sources by 50 percent

• Delayed rules that would reduce “acceptable” levels of arsenic in drinking water

• Cut funding for research into cleaner, more efficient cars and trucks by 28 percent

• Revoked rules strengthening the power of the government to deny contracts to companies that violate federal laws, environmental laws, and workplace safety standards

• Allowed Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton to request suggestions for opening up national monuments for foresting, coal mining, and oil and gas drilling

• Broken your campaign promise to invest $100 million per year in rain forest conservation

• Reduced by 86 percent the Community Access Program, which coordinated care for people without health insurance among public hospitals, clinics, and other health care providers

• Nullified a proposal to increase public access to information about the potential ramifications of chemical plant accidents

• Cut funding for the Girls and Boys Clubs of America programs in public housing by $60 million

• Pulled out of the 1997 Kyoto Protocol agreement on global warming, ultimately signed by 178 other countries

• Rejected an international accord to enforce the 1972 treaty banning germ warfare

• Cut $200 million from workforce training programs for dislocated workers

• Cut $200 million from the Childcare and Development grant, a program that provides child care to low-income families as they are forced from welfare to work

• Eliminated prescription contraceptive coverage to federal employees (though Viagra is still covered)

• Cut $700 million in funds for public housing repairs

• Cut half a billion dollars from the Environmental Protection Agency’s budget

• Overturned workplace ergonomic rules designed to protect workers’ health and safety

• Abandoned your campaign pledge to regulate carbon dioxide emissions, a major contributor to global warming

• Prohibited any federal aid from going to international family planning organizations that provide abortion counseling, referrals, or services with their own funds

• Nominated former mining company executive Dan Lauriski as Assistant Secretary of Labor for Mine Safety and Health

• Appointed Lynn Scarlett, a global warming skeptic and an opponent of stricter standards on air pollution, as Undersecretary of the Interior

• Approved Interior Secretary Gale Norton’s controversial plan to auction off areas close to Florida’s eastern shore for oil and gas development

• Announced your plans to allow oil drilling in Montana’s Lewis and Clark National Forest

• Threatened to shut down the White House AIDS office

• Decided no longer to seek guidance from the American Bar Association on federal judicial appointments

• Denied college financial aid to students convicted of misdemeanor drug charges (though convicted murderers are still eligible for financial aid)

• Allocated only 3 percent of the amount requested by Justice Department lawyers in the government’s continued litigation against tobacco companies

• Pushed through your tax cut, 43 percent of which goes to the wealthiest 1 percent