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It appears to me and many others that, sadly, you may be a functional illiterate. This is nothing to be ashamed of You have lots of company (just count the typoes in this book. In fact, isn’t that a typo?). Millions of Americans cannot read and write above a fourth-grade level. No wonder you said “leave no child behind“—you knew what it felt like.

But let me ask this: if you have trouble comprehending the complex position papers you are handed as the Leader of the Mostly-Free World, how can we entrust something like our nuclear secrets to you?

All the signs of this illiteracy are there—and apparently no one has challenged you about them. The first clue was what you named as your favorite childhood book. “The Very Hungry Caterpillar, ” you said.

Unfortunately, that book wasn’t even published until a year after you graduated from college.

Then there’s the question of your college transcripts, if those really are your transcripts. How did you get into Yale when other applicants in 1964 had higher SATs and much better grades?

During the campaign, when asked to name the books you were currently reading, you answered gamely—but when quizzed about the books’ contents, you didn’t know what to say. No wonder your aides stopped letting you hold press conferences with two months left in the campaign. Your handlers were scared to death of what you might get asked—and how you might answer.

One thing is clear to everyone—you can’t speak the English language in sentences we can comprehend. At first, the way you mangled words and sentences seemed cute, almost charming. But after a while it became worrisome. Then in an interview you broke America’s decades-long policy toward Taiwan, saying we were willing to do “whatever it took” to defend Taiwan, even suggesting we might deploy troops there. Jeez, George; the whole world flipped out; before you knew it, everyone was at Defcon 3.

If you’re going to be Commander-in-Chief, you have to be able to communicate your orders. What if these little slipups keep happening? Do you know how easy it would be to turn a little faux pas into a national-security nightmare? No wonder you want to increase the Pentagon budget. We’ll need all the firepower we can get after you accidentally order the Russians “wiped out,” when what you meant to say was, “I need to wipe the Russian dressing off my tie.”

Your aides have said that you don’t (can’t?) read the briefing papers they give you, and that you ask them to read them for you or to you. Your mother was passionately committed to reading programs as First Lady. Should we assume she knew firsthand the difficulty of raising a child who couldn’t read?

Please don’t take any of this personally. Perhaps it’s a learning disability. Some sixty million Americans have learning disabilities. There’s no shame in this. And yes, I believe a dyslexic can be President of the United States. Albert Einstein was dyslexic; so is Jay Leno. (Hey, I finally found a way to work Leno and Einstein into the same sentence! See, language can be fun.)

But if you refuse to seek help with this problem, I’m afraid you may be too great a risk for the country. You need help. You need Hooked on Phonics, not just another Oval Office briefing.

Tell us the truth, and I’ll come read to you every night at bedtime.

2. Are you an alcoholic, and if so, how is this affecting your performance as Commander-in-

Chief?

Again, there is no finger being pointed here, no shame or disrespect intended. Alcoholism is a huge problem; it affects millions of American citizens, people we all know and love. Many are able to recover and live normal lives. Alcoholics can be, and have been, President of the United States. I greatly admire anyone who can deal with this addiction. You have told us that you cannot handle drinking, and that you haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since you were forty. Congratulations.

You have also told us that you used to “drink too much” and that you eventually “realized that alcohol was beginning to crowd out my energies and could crowd, eventually, my affections for