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By Root 289 0

’t fight back when they try to drag you away. Instead of Israel always shutting down the borders to Gaza and the West Bank, you shut them down. Just march peacefully up to the checkpoint and then sit down. No Israelis will be able to get to their settlements. No Israelis will be able to transport goods and natural resources from your land into Israel. There is no Israeli vehicle I know of that can drive over mounds of thousands of people (not even a pair of snow tires will do the job!). Of course, they may try, and a number of your people may be injured or killed. Still, don’t move. just sit. The world will be watching—especially if you embrace the wonderful world of public relations, and alert the media to your plans. (Trust me, CNN will take your call.) And you’ll end up with far fewer dead Palestinians than you yield under your current plan.

2. Call a general strike. Refuse to work for the Israelis. Their economy is based on the near-slave labor you provide them. Don’t do it anymore. Who will do all their shitwork for them if Palestinians won’t? Other Israelis? I don’t think so! They need you and your willingness to break your backs for them for substandard wages. Watch how quickly a deal is struck once every single Arab refuses to go to work. Of course, they’ll try to break you. They will cut off your water, your roads, your food—but you must stand firm. Stockpile, then strike nonviolently, and never give in. They will.

A few years back, over a million Israelis attended a Peace Now rally in Tel Aviv. That was an amazing sight. It also means that you, the Palestinians, have a million Jewish alliesa third of the country—in the nation you know as your enemy. A million of your “enemies” will come to your aid if you protest in a nonviolent way. Try it! Between your people and theirs, you will outnumber those in Israel who want to drive you into the sea.

Unfortunately, I know your inclination is to keep drawing blood. You think this will bring you liberation. It will not. It will turn you into those who are now killing you. And if you haven’t figured out one thing about the Israelis by now, you’d better get a clue—they ain’t goin’ anywhere. For God’s sake, man—they had six million of their people massacred by the most advanced civilization on earth. Do you think they’re going to let a few stones and car bombs get in the way of their own survival? They live in a world where they’re isolated and all alone. They won’t quit until you or the rest of the earth annihilates every last one of them. Is that what you want? Every last Jew wiped from the planet? If it is, then you need serious help—and you’re gonna have to get past me before you touch another one of their children.

But if, as I suspect, you would prefer peace and quiet to constant war and displacement, then you must lay down all arms, lay down your bodies in the middle of the road and then ... just wait. Yes, the Israelis will beat many of your people. They will drag your women by the hair, they will sic dogs on you, they may even get out the firehoses (and other tricks they’ve learned from us Americans). YOU MUST NOT FIGHT BACK! Trust me, when the pictures of your suffering at the hands of these brutes go out across the world, there will be such an outcry that the Israeli government will be unable to continue its oppression.

Well, there you go. If you want, I will come and join you in your nonviolent protest. It’s the least I can do after helping finance the bullets and bombs that have killed your people.

Yours,

Michael Moore

THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND

Once again, the name itself gives it away: the people in charge of this one knew they were running a scam. If the United Kingdom felt it had any real moral authority to claim jurisdiction over Northern Ireland, it would simply declare it part of Great Britain and leave it at that, without drawing attention to a six-county area across a sea that it has no business claiming.

Now don’t get me wrong—I’ve come to like the British people. British networks and studios fund my work when