Suckers - Jack Kilborn [54]
The kitchen lights came on, revealing two goons behind the bald guy. Younger guys who were also dressed entirely in black. The one on the left had one of those ridiculous curved collectors’ knives, the kind they sell on the Home Shopping Network that looked like they’re used to skin buffalo. Glinting in the overhead florescence, it didn’t look ridiculous at all.
His partner had opted for the maniac implement de jour—a sixteen inch chainsaw.
Suddenly Harry didn’t seem so bad.
“I said drop it,” the bald guy said.
I dropped the gun.
The man pointed the shotgun at Harry. “Get off my prey.”
“Thank God you showed up,” said Harry. “This guy was breaking into your house. I’m part of the neighborhood watch and—”
The man bared his teeth, revealing fangs. “I told you to get off my prey.”
Harry scooted off the body and got to his feet.
The man looked back and forth between us, and then smiled. “Which one of you is Harry McGlade?”
“He is,” Harry said, pointing at me.
“No, I don’t think so,” said the man. “I know who you are. We’ve been watching you for a long time.”
“Groupie, huh? You must be Vlad.”
“I am indeed.”
“I’m Andrew,” I said, raising my hand. “I’m uninvolved.”
“Not anymore. But you will be soon.” Vlad grinned. “Harry, you and I are going to have a pleasant little chat. We have a lot to discuss. Andrew, you’re going into the Pit.”
“How come Harry gets to have a chat and I have to go to the Pit?”
The two guys behind Vlad simultaneously came at me. I tried to pretend that I wasn’t seconds away from losing control over one of my bodily functions. Or perhaps even two of them.
Vlad chuckled. “If you resist, my friends here will cut off your feet, and then they’ll drag you to the Pit. I’d advise against making them do so. You’ll survive a few minutes longer if you can run.”
“I was just getting spaghetti sauce.”
Crazy Knife Goon got me in a headlock, and Crazy Chainsaw Goon put his hand on his starter cord.
“You’re at least going to smack Harry around a bit, right?”
“He’ll get what’s coming to him.”
I smirked at Harry. He shrugged. Crazy Chainsaw Goon fondled his cord.
“Okay,” I said. “I like my feet. I’ll come quietly.”
They grabbed me by the shoulders and tugged me into the next room.
The stoolies carted away Andrew Maudlin, and Vlad gave me his full attention. His bald head had an unhealthy sheen of sweat on it, which dripped down past his double chin and onto the black leather silver buckle bondage vest he wore. What I thought were leather pants were in fact chaps, and under them he wore a black bikini pouch.
Fabio wouldn’t have looked good in that getup. Considering that Vlad resembled Ernest Borgnine, the overall effect wasn’t pleasant.
“You seem like a reasonable man,” I said, watching him play his tongue over the tips of his fangs. “Why don’t you just give me Tanya and let us go?”
“What about your little boyfriend?”
“He’s not my boyfriend. We’ve only gone on a couple of dates. He doesn’t put out until the third.”
He laughed, a high-pitched noise that sounded like a squeaky wheel.
“Ah, the great Harry McGlade. Always quick with the quip. Just like on the TV show.”
There used to be a cable series called Fatal Autonomy based on my adventures. Lasted three seasons. Even earned an Emmy nomination for best gaffing. I think. I might have imagined the Emmy nomination during a drinking binge.
“Are you a fan? I could get you Daniel Baldwin’s autograph. We’re tight.”
“I already have what I want, Mr. McGlade.”
“An overbite?”
“You, Mr. McGlade. I have you.”
A scream, from deep inside the house. I couldn’t tell if it was male or female.
“Was that Tanya?”
“That came from the Pit. I’m guessing your friend isn’t enjoying himself.”
“He’s not my friend. He’s just some idiot who bumped into me when I was breaking into your house. I think he’s also mentally retarded. You should let him go—he’s too stupid to tell the police.”
Another wheel-squeak