Suckers - Jack Kilborn [69]
Jack: Selling Shot of Tequila on my website for 99 cents was an experiment. It’s an early Jack Daniels novel, except Jack is a supporting character. I wanted to see how many people would be willing to pay for an Ebook download. So far, 112. I also have free Ebooks available on my website. They’ve been downloaded–no joke–15,834 times. Which proves my hypothesis that my fans are cheap. That’s why Afraid, which comes out March 31, is available as an inexpensive paperback for only $6.99. On March 31.
My turn for a question. In ten short years, your fan base has grown from a dozen hardcore fans to almost double that. That isn’t actually the question. The question is, if you were Night Owl II from Watchmen, and you had that pimped out flying submarine thingy, would you act so broody and dippy all the time?
Jeff: Probably. But I can say that if I were a guest in the submarine thingy, and it was parked in the garage, and there was a button with a very clear picture of a flame on it, I wouldn’t push the button while the submarine was indoors. So if J.A. Konrath and Jack Kilborn got into a fight, who would drop to the ground screaming “Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me!” first?
Jack: We wouldn’t fight. We’d make-out. That’s not gay. It’s more like masturbation, with more positions. Hey, you write funny horror novels. I’ve got this great idea for a funny horror novel, about an accountant who gets bitten by a werewolf AND a vampire AND a zombie, and then gets cancer. I mean, how unlucky is THAT?!?! I want to call it “Sheldon the Un-Un-Undead Dead Guy, Who Died.” It’s also got paranormal romance in it, because that genre still has a pulse. Maybe Sheldon also gets bitten by a mummy. Do you turn into a mummy if a mummy bites you? Anyway, I’m too busy to write it, so I want you to write it, and I’ll give you 20% of the profits. You need to research that mummy thing first. Here’s an outline you can work from:
Chapter 1 - The accountant gets bitten a bunch of times by monsters. Also, he’s got a hot next door neighbor who sunbathes naked.
Chapter 2 - Some plot things happen.
Chapter 3 - At long last, the much-awaited graphic sex scene with the hot naked next door neighbor. Also, maybe the hero does some monster stuff.
Chapter 4-29 - More stuff happens. With twists. Remember to add some surprise twists.
Chapter 30 - The hero dies of cancer, while having hot sex with the hot naked next door neighbor. Also, there’s a surprise ending. Maybe with a mummy. With this outline, the book will practically write itself. In fact, I’m only giving you 10%, since I did all the work.
Jeff: Does he have to be named Sheldon?
Jack: Never mind. Much like Ernest, I’m known for my comedic hijinks, as are you. But now we’ve both written these super-scary horror novels without a shred of comedy in them. So my question to you is, Angelina Jolie or Jessica Alba?
Jeff: What about them? I’m not sure what you’re asking. Are you asking which one I’ve spoken to most recently? That would be Jess. I didn’t give her your message, though, because it was kind of creepy. I just did the panting and left it at that. Angelina is busy these days and we mostly talk through Skype.
Jack: I like to ask the tough questions. So, if John’s son is my son’s father, what relationship am I to John?
Jeff: You’re John’s prison bitch. Duh.
Jack: Can you do anything unusual or interesting? I can fit my pinky up my nose all the way to the second knuckle, but I’m scared to go further because I’m touching something squishy that I think is my brain.
Jeff: That’s not your brain. And it’s not your nose.
Jack: If you were stuck on a desert island and could only have one book, wouldn’t that suck?
Jeff: It would. Unless that book was Afraid, by Jack Kiborn. It comes out March 31, you know.
Jack: Really? March 31? I should write that down. Being serious for a moment, I loved your novel Pressure, which is possibly the most intense horror novel I’ve ever read.