Summer Secrets - Barbara Freethy [28]
"It's all right. I know I remind you of my brother," he said quietly. "I figure that's why you avoid me."
"I don't mean to," she said, forcing herself to meet his gaze.
"It's just easier if I'm not around."
"Ashley said you came back to race in the Castleton."
"I thought it was about time. So many of these racers remind me of Jeremy, young, reckless, willing to sign on with anyone to go anywhere. Do you remember the first Castleton that Jeremy sailed in?"
"I --I don't know."
"He was fourteen, but he lied and said he was eighteen. By the time my parents found out, he was halfway across Puget Sound. He was fearless. I admired him so much."
"Why are you racing now, Sean?" she asked, searching his eyes for the answer, but she couldn't find one. "Why would you want to do the one thing that will hurt your family even more?"
He thought for a moment. "Because I need to know. I need to feel what Jeremy felt. I don't think I can let him go until I know what he went through, what he experienced, what he saw. I've never been more than a couple of miles offshore. I can't imagine what it would feel like to be two or three days from land."
"It feels lonely and scary. Everything is bigger than you are -- the waves, the wind, the sky. I've never felt so helpless, so vulnerable."
"That's not the way Jeremy described it. He talked about how fast the boat rode the waves, how the wind sounded like a song, and how the spray in his face made him feel alive."
Sean's words, actually Jeremy's words, stole the breath from her chest. She remembered Jeremy saying the same things to her. She could still feel the breeze on her neck as his arms crept around her waist and his whispered words ran through her mind, 'The wind is playing our song, Kate, listen."
"I have to go," Kate said quickly. Her sister seemed fine now, and she really didn't want to continue this conversation with Sean. "Could you tell Ashley that I needed to get back to the bookstore?"
"You don't have to run away, Kate. I'll leave."
"It's not you."
"Sure it is. You don't like to talk about Jeremy. No one does." A hint of pain flashed through his eyes. "My father hasn't mentioned his name in years. Sometimes I catch my mother looking at a photo, but as soon as I come in, she hides it away. Maybe that's why I can't let my brother go."
"It's been a long time, Sean."
"I know. Every year I think I'll move on. But changing locations hasn't helped. I've been in more cities than I can count in the last few years. The only place I haven't gone is the middle of the ocean, the place where Jeremy died."
"There aren't any answers out there. There aren't any answers anywhere."
"I know it was an accident, a risk Jeremy was willing to take to do the one thing he loved most. I've heard it all, Kate. But, dammit, it still doesn't make it easier." He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "I can't let go. Believe me, I've tried."
Kate wished she had an answer for him, and as she watched Sean's gaze turn to Ashley, she realized that he hadn't let go of Ashley either. There was a naked need on his face that made her ache for him.
"I'm sorry," she murmured.
"You don't have anything to apologize for. It's my problem. I'll deal with it." He walked away with a brisk, impatient stride, as if he were sorry he'd stopped at all and wanted to get away as quickly as possible.
Ashley stepped back on to the dock and rejoined Kate. "I'm done," she said, with a relieved sigh. "I did it."
Kate smiled, happy to see how proud Ashley was of herself. She'd battled one demon and won. "I knew you could."
"Was that Sean I saw?"
"Yeah."
"He looked mad."
"He is mad, and by that I mean crazy. Wanting to race in the Castleton, wanting to follow in Jeremy's footsteps. His parents must be beside themselves. I hope he changes his mind. It's not going to solve or change anything. It certainly won't bring Jeremy back." She paused, giving Ashley a thoughtful look. "He's still