Supercoach - Michael Neill [33]
• “I should/shouldn’t . . .”
• “I must/mustn’t . . .”
• “I have to/ought to/need to . . .”
• “People are supposed to . . .”
• “Of course . . .”
• “Because . . .”
• “It makes sense to . . .”
2. Fantasies
“This is my ultimate fantasy: watching QVC with a credit
card while making love and eating at the same time.”
— Yasmine Bleeth
Fantasies are those things that sound fantastic but that in reality you’d be extremely unlikely to enjoy. For example, most married men and women have at some point fantasized about having sex with someone other than their partner. And if all you did was focus on the bit of the fantasy that took place in the bedroom (or boardroom or kitchen table or . . . well, you get the idea!), that would seem like a pretty great idea. But run the movie forward a bit. See yourself having to go home to your spouse and explain where you’ve been. See yourself getting into arguments about why you want to work late (again) or need to go on that extra business trip on the weekend of your anniversary. See yourself getting into arguments with your “secret” lover about why you can’t keep pretending to work late, go away for the weekend, or leave your partner. If you have children, watch them getting caught up in the mistrust, anger, betrayal, and possible dissolution of your marriage. And now ask yourself if that’s what you really want. . . . (I’ll wait.)
Fantasies are generally enjoyable and perform an important function—they relieve stress, boredom, or whatever other way your unhappiness is currently manifesting itself. But for the most part, acting on a fantasy is a waste of time and energy. As we discussed in our second session together, changing the world is the worst possible way to change how you feel.
To test whether your desire is authentic or just a pleasant fantasy, take at least three tangible action steps toward making it real. If you can’t, won’t, or feel horrible once you do, you’ll know it’s probably worth letting it go!
3. Whims
“My wife tricked me into marrying her.
She told me that she liked me.”
— McLean Stevenson
A whim is a momentary want, generally triggered by some external stimulus or internal mood. While whims can be useful clues as to what kinds of things you would enjoy doing, being, and having, their motive energy is fragile and difficult to sustain.
Here are three useful rules of thumb when it comes to following a whim:
1. If your “whim” is seemingly positive, life enhancing, and easy to follow, act on it as soon as possible. If you wait even one day, the spark of energy it brought with it will likely be diminished.
2. If your whim would require a major investment of time and energy, wait at least 72 hours (ideally a week) before doing anything about it. If the impetus to act is still there, take it!
3. If your whim is in any way negative, destructive, or threatening to yourself or others, leave it alone. Internal guidance is a lot kinder than you think; and even if a major life change is called for, there’s invariably a gentler, kinder way of enacting it.
4. Wants
“. . . why do they always teach us that it’s easy and evil
to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain
ourselves? It’s the hardest thing in the world—to do what
we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage.”
— from The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand
Why does wanting get such a bad name in spiritual circles?
Perhaps it’s because of its origin as a word that indicated a lack, as in the children’s rhyme:
For want of a nail the shoe was lost,
For want of a shoe the horse was lost,
For want of a horse the rider was lost,
For want of a rider the battle was lost,
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost,
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.
Perhaps it’s to do with the Buddha’s notion that desire is the root of all suffering. But the desire that the Buddha was referring to was replete with attachments and aversions—a sense that you “need” something to happen or your life just won’t be worth