Supercoach - Michael Neill [50]
— The Third Circle is the circle of aggression—the place where your energy becomes a weapon used to charm, bully, or otherwise impose your will onto those around you. It also serves as a shield, creating a moat around the castle of your being that is often impenetrable even by those you wish to invite inside.
— The Second Circle is the circle of connection— your energy goes out but also comes back in. This is the circle of “being with.” Whatever you’re truly connected to is what you’re present to, and if this is another human being or group of human beings, they’ll be as fascinated by your very presence as you’ll become by theirs.
I experience this all the time with audiences when I teach—I somehow manage to fall in love with a room full of strangers simply because I’m “being with” them in as naked and honest a way as I know how to be. When I don’t—either because I’m too nervous or too confident or too distracted—I can still bluster my way through a talk in “Third Circle,” but the intimacy, magic, and connection are lost. Speaking becomes a job, and while an audience may still enjoy what I have to say, their experience of what I have to offer will be a considerably more limited one.
It is this quality of connection that makes romantic love so intoxicating and allows new parents to stare into their babies’ eyes for hours on end. To simply be with someone or something in a state of full presence is one of the most magical gifts we’re given in our lives, and one that for most of us is under-received because we think we play no part in its arrival.
To connect more fully, try this exercise, which is based on the work of supercoach Lee Glickstein:
Being With
1. Take a few moments to center yourself. You may want to take three slow and gentle breaths with your eyes closed and simply be with yourself.
2. Now open your eyes and choose any object in the space you’re currently in. Take a minute or so to “be with” that object—that is, allow yourself to become fully present to it, as if it were the most important thing in the world.
One way to do this is through what Patsy Rodenburg calls “breathing to it.” Imagine that you’re reaching out directly to the object with your breath. When you get the hang of this, you’ll feel a sense of being completely present with it—as though you and the object are connected in some way.
3. When you’re familiar with what it feels like to “be with” an object, try it with a friend (or in a pinch, a beloved pet!). Just take a couple of moments to center yourself, and then simply “be with” one another, without words and without effort. Don’t worry if it feels awkward or uncomfortable at first—you’ll get past that, and the sweet feeling of connection you’ll get to will be completely worth it!
4. Finally, allow yourself to experiment with what it’s like to “be with” the rest of the people who are in your world. There’s no formal exercise here—as you get used to being fully present with others, it will naturally begin to infuse your relationships and enhance your presence in the world.
Of course, you don’t have to “be with” everyone— but isn’t it nice to know that you could?
Learn to Listen, Listen to Learn
“. . . and words are dangerous, because you might
listen to them. And that would be a mistake.”
— Ram Dass
One of the things I challenge coaches on my “Coaching Mastery” intensives to do is to become conscious of their unconscious assumptions, filters, and habits and how each of those aspects of the coaching process impacts the results they’re able to produce with their clients. In particular, I ask them to become aware of how they habitually listen, whether they’re listening to their clients, their teachers, their colleagues, their children, or even themselves.
Here are three of the most common distinctions people make:
1. Listening For vs. Listening To
There’s an old joke about a therapist who operated