Survivors - Jean Lorrah [6]
Nonetheless, after she had logged her report and gone off duty, Yar found herself on edge and unable to relax.
She tried a book-tape and soft music, hoping to lull herself to sleep….
The door buzzed. “Come in,” called Yar. Not surprisingly, it was her close friend, Ship’s Counselor Deanna Troi.
“You are troubled, Tasha,” said Troi without preamble.
“Are you here as my friend or my counselor?” Yar asked warily.
“Either,” Troi replied with her serene smile. “Or neither, if you wish me to leave.”
“No, no-if I’m broadcasting emotions, then I suppose I need help in dealing with them,” Yar admitted.
“And you detest asking for help,” her friend responded gently. “Why don’t we just talk? You probably don’t really need my professional skills.”
Yar studied her beautiful friend. Also off duty, Troi was wearing a robe of soft blue, green, and violet, and her hair was loosened into a riot of curls. It made her look younger than her usual severe upsweep, as did the fact that the loose robe concealed her voluptuous figure as her form-fitting uniform did not.
Yar noticed Troi notice what she was wearing as well: plain blue tailored pajamas under a short, untrimmed coat of darker blue.
Oh, damn.
Seeing Troi’s smile tilt her lips again, Yar said, “Don’t look so smug. Yes, I see what I’ve done. I’m hiding my femininity again, and you don’t think that’s normal when I have to wear a unisex uniform all the time I’m on duty.”
“Tasha, the term ‘normal’ is meaningless, as you very well know. Wearing plain nightwear is nothing to be concerned about. However, being unable to sleep is, especially after the day you’ve had.”
“Maybe I’m overtired.”
“Perhaps. Or perhaps feeling helpless down on the planet triggered your worst memories. The ones you try to keep hidden, even from yourself.”
Was that it? Did she fear to sleep lest her old nightmares about the rape gangs resurface? They had once before on this mission, when she was almost forced to stand by and watch the execution of Wesley Crusher, who was the same age Yar had been when Starfleet rescued her.
“I know I hate to lose control of a situation,” she told Deanna. “The Captain and Dr. Crusher were in trouble, and we couldn’t even find them.” She heard the tension in her voice, could not stop it. “And that … that weapon kept appearing, stronger and faster every time-I couldn’t stop it.”
“You speak as if it were your responsibility alone, Tasha. Will Riker was in command of the away team, and Data was-“
“Security is my job! I was there to protect them, not the other way around. If I cannot trust myself-“
Troi merely sat in silence.
Yar got up, paced. “There it is again. I can’t trust anyone but myself.” She shook her head. “But I do, every day. I delegate responsibility. I trust the other members of an away team to guard my back, as I guard theirs.”
“Yes, you do. By habit, by practice. But could it be that inside you still fear that any one of them could let you down?”
“They’re only human. Except Data, of course.”
“Interesting you should mention Data,” Troi said invitingly.
“Forget it!” Yar snapped. “That is private territory that I don’t discuss even with you. It has nothing to do with my current concerns.”
“Are you sure?” Troi asked.
“Positive.”
“Even though Data is everything you wish you were?”
“What?” Yar asked, completely puzzled. She had thought Troi was referring to the time she had seduced their android colleague-which, since it had happened in the privacy of her own quarters, and since Data had adhered as scrupulously as she to her instruction that “It never happened,” was absolutely nowhere in the records. Not even the Ship’s Counselor knew. Oh, damn. I just told her by my reaction that there’s something unresolved between Data and me.
But Troi was pursuing a different train of thought. “Tasha, you have made an incredibly successful recovery from the terrible traumas of your childhood. It is little wonder that you have trouble relying on other people, that you expect far too much of yourself. Do you envy Data his strength, his quickness,