Sushi for Beginners - Marian Keyes [214]
‘That’s a lovely offer.’ Ashling heard her voice from far away. ‘But no need, thanks.’
‘Sure? See you tomorrow then.’
Clodagh stepped forward when Lisa left. ‘Just tell me to get lost if you want, but I was wondering if we could talk.’
Ashling was helpless with shock and it took a while to find words. ‘We’ll go to the pub next door.’ They located a seat and ordered drinks and all the while Ashling couldn’t stop staring at Clodagh. She looked good, she’d had her hair cut much shorter and it suited her.
‘I’ve come to apologize,’ Clodagh said awkwardly. ‘I’ve grown up an awful lot over the past few months. I’m different now.’
Ashling nodded stiffly.
‘I see how selfish and self-obsessed I was and how cruel I’ve been,’ Clodagh spilled. ‘My punishment is having to live with all the damage I’ve caused. You hate me and I don’t know if you’ve seen Dylan lately, but he’s ruined. He’s so angry and… hard.’
Ashling agreed. She didn’t like being around him any more.
‘Did you know that I asked him to come back and he wouldn’t?’
Ashling nodded. Dylan had almost taken out an ad on national television to publicize it.
‘Serves me right, huh?’ Clodagh managed a weak smile.
Ashling didn’t answer.
‘We’ve sold the house in Donnybrook and me and the kids are living in Greystones now. Miles out, but it was all we could afford. I’m a single mother now since Dylan decided he couldn’t cope with custody. It’s a steep learning curve –’
‘What was it all about?’ Ashling interrupted sharply.
Clodagh twitched anxiously at the anger in Ashling’s voice. ‘Something I’ve been asking myself a lot.’
‘And? Any conclusions? Bad patch in your marriage? They all have them, you know.’
Clodagh swallowed nervously. ‘I don’t think it was just that. I should never have married Dylan. This is probably hard to believe but I don’t think I ever really fancied him. I just thought he was the kind of man you married – he was so good-looking and charming and had a good job and was responsible…’ She glanced anxiously at Ashling, whose set, thunderous face wasn’t exactly encouraging. ‘I was twenty and selfish and I didn’t have a clue.’ Clodagh longed to be understood.
‘And what about Marcus?’
‘I was desperate for some fun and excitement.’
‘You could have taken up bungee-jumping.’
Clodagh nodded miserably. ‘Or white-water rafting.’ But Ashling didn’t laugh. She’d honestly thought she would. ‘I was unfulfilled and frustrated,’ Clodagh attempted. ‘At times I used to feel like I was being suffocated –’
‘Lots of mothers are bored and frustrated,’ Ashling snapped. ‘Lots of people are. But they don’t have affairs. Especially not with their best friend’s boyfriend.’
‘I know, I know, I know! I can see that now, but at the time I was clueless. I’m sorry, I just thought I should have anything I wanted because I was so miserable.’
‘But why Marcus? Why my boyfriend?’
Clodagh reddened and looked at her lap. She was taking a real risk admitting this. ‘Probably anyone would have done.’
‘But it was my boyfriend you picked. Because you didn’t have any respect for me.’ Ashling cut to the heart of the matter.
Shamefaced, Clodagh admitted, ‘Not enough. Which I hate myself for. I’ve spent the past months feeling guilty and shitty about it. I’d give my left tit for you to forgive me.’
After a long, sweaty pause Ashling sighed heavily. ‘I forgive you. Like, who am I to judge? I’ve hardly lived a perfect life. As you pointed out, I was a total victim.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry!’
‘Don’t be, you were right.’
Clodagh’s face lit up. ‘Does that mean we can be friends again?’
Another long pause as Ashling thought about it. She and Clodagh had been friends since they’d been five. Best friends. They’d lived through childhood, adolescence and early adulthood together. They shared a common history and no one would know her the way Clodagh knew her. That sort of friendship is rare. But…
‘No,’ Ashling broke the tense silence. ‘I forgive you, but I don’t trust you. To lose one boyfriend to your friend is misfortunate, but to lose two