Sushi for Beginners - Marian Keyes [64]
For a male stand-up Marcus Valentine was a strange sort of beast. His act contained no references to masturbating, hangovers or Ulrike Johnson. Most irregular. Instead his skill was being A Man Perplexed by Modern Life. The kind of person who pops into a supermarket because he’s run out of butter and goes into a tailspin because he can’t decide between spreadable butter, unsaturated butter, polyunsaturated butter, salted butter, unsalted butter, reduced-fat butter, low-fat butter and stuff that wasn’t butter at all and was only pretending to be. He was charming and likeable, in a freckly kind of way. Baffled and vulnerable. And he had a very nice body. Ashling catalogued all this in alarm.
Hastily she enumerated the reasons she’d rejected Marcus Valentine. One – his enthusiasm. There was nothing sexy about bright eyes and lack of cynicism. Sad, but true. Two – his freckles. Three – his keenness on her. Four – his stupid name.
But as she stared up at him, long-legged and broad-chested, she realized she was in mortal danger of falling foul of the man-on-a-stage rule. Coupled with the fact that he’d said he’d ring her and hadn’t. It was a fatal combination. I’m not going to do this, she told herself, I’m just not going to do this… The mental equivalent of sticking her fingers in her ears and going, ‘LALALALA I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you…’
‘Snowflakes!’ Marcus declared, his eyes wide and guileless as he scanned the room. ‘They say that no two are alike.’
He let a pause build, then bellowed, ‘But how do they know?’
As people writhed with hilarity, he asked in bewilderment, ‘Have they compared each of them? Have they checked?’
Then he moved on to his next piece.
‘There was a young lady I wanted to ask out,’ Marcus told his besotted audience.
Maybe that’s me? Ashling found herself wondering.
He strolled across the stage, as if deep in thought. The overhead lights hit the hard planes of his thighs.
‘But the last time I asked a young lady for her phone number, she said “It’s in the book.” The problem was I didn’t know her name and when I asked her, she said –’ He paused and with impeccable timing went on, ‘“Oh, that’s in the book too.”’
The venue erupted, but the laughter was sympathetic and of the at-least-it’s-not-just-me type.
‘So I decided I’d act a bit cool.’ He gave a klutzy grin and everyone melted. ‘Thought I’d model myself on Austin Powers and ask the young lady to call me. So I wrote my name and number on a bit of paper and then I asked myself what would Austin Powers say.’ He closed his eyes and held his fingertips to his temples, to show that he was communing with Austin Powers. ‘And suddenly I knew. Bellez-moi!’ Marcus declared. ‘Suave, slick, sophisticated. What woman could resist? Bellez-moi!’
I’m famous. Ashling had an hysterical urge to stand up and tell everyone.
‘And guess what?’ Marcus scanned the audience with a cute, goofy expression. His connection with each person was taut. They strained towards him, full of love, as he stretched the anticipatory silence to its furthest reach, holding his public in the palm of his freckly hand. ‘She never rang!’
No doubt about it, Marcus Valentine had loser star-quality.
Lisa was out of her seat the minute he left the stage. He’d already refused to have lunch with her when Trix had rung his agent but she hoped that extreme flattery and herself in person would change his mind. Ashling watched her block him off at the edge of the stage and wondered if she should follow. She didn’t want to get too near to Marcus, in case he saw her. In case he thought… But Ted was besieged by fans and Joy had just seen Half-man-ha –… Mick talking to another woman and had gone to investigate. After sitting alone for a while longer, Ashling got up.
With curiosity,