Taft 2012 - Jason Heller [59]
SUSAN WESCHLER: Um—
PAULINE CRAIG: Just a moment, Professor Weschler. We’d like to say hello to the Reverend Todd Osborne, organizer of the Southern Taft Party organization.
REV. TODD OSBORNE: Thank you, Ms. Craig.
PAULINE CRAIG: Reverend Osborne, what does Taft mean to you?
REV. TODD OSBORNE: Well, now, I think we all recognize a good man when we see one. William Howard Taft was raised in a more decorous time, with a proper set of American values. We’ve all seen the culture in this nation fall to decadence and hedonism over the course of the past fifty years, and we all know the madness has got to stop if we don’t want our children to be citizens of the United States of Amexico, working for poverty wages in call centers for Chinese and Indian corporations.
SUSAN WESCHLER: If I may—
REV. TODD OSBORNE: In Taft’s day, Americans had pride and self-discipline—so much so that they banded together to form the great Prohibition movement and renounced self-indulgent living. Americans back then knew that having too much fun wasn’t a good thing! I think we can look at the candidates in front of us today and know which of them stands for a responsible, upright, moral lifestyle.
PAULINE CRAIG: Professor Weschler, something to add?
SUSAN WESCHLER: Ah—I just—just that I hope the voters will come out and listen to Mr. Taft speak for himself in person. Or, um, online at taft2012—uh, on Twitter, Facebook, or dot-com.
PAULINE CRAIG: And we’ll be back after this.
http://cgi.ebay.com/authentic-replica-Taft-assailants-fake-pistol/
AUTHENTIC REPLICA—TAFT ASSAILANT’S FAKE PISTOL
Item condition: New
Quantity: 4 available
Time left: 2 days 15 hours
Buy It Now: U.S. $99.95
Description: For a limited time only! You can own this perfectly crafted reproduction of the toy pistol used by political protester Jack Channing to threaten former president William Howard Taft in Albuquerque on March 8, 2012. Painstaking review of news footage has shown the gun was produced by splicing together two production model toy weapons from Whimco, the RP-7 and the RPX-91. I have not only replicated this custom modification, but have also weathered the plastic casing identically to the markings that can be seen from every angle in the television coverage. Don’t miss out on owning this practically unique piece of American history, a perfect reminder that Taft is the president who just cannot be kept down no matter what. Taft 2012!
LOCAL 12 WKRC-TV
The following message is paid for by the Friends of American Nutrition.
For ten years, Rachel Taft and her husband, trial lawyer Trevor Collins, filed lawsuit after lawsuit after lawsuit against hardworking farm owners throughout the Ohio countryside—just because they think farmers don’t know the right way to raise food. Rachel Taft isn’t a farmer—she’s from downtown Cincinnati. And Trevor Collins isn’t even from Ohio—he’s from Detroit. What does an inner-city urban lawyer know about agriculture, anyway?
Now Rachel Taft is in Congress, trying to slap regulations on farmers all across the country. And we’re supposed to believe that her running mate—her grandfather, William Howard Taft—is a “good old-fashioned real American”? Come on, Taft. Just because you were born a hundred fifty years ago doesn’t mean we were born yesterday.
FROM THE DESK OF REP. RACHEL TAFT (Ind.–OH)
Notes—Tues. 27th
—Oh, fuck you, Augustus Fulsom. “Inner-city urban lawyer.” Fuck you in your turkey-mutilating ear.
March 20, 2012
Dear Mommy and Grandpa,
I am glad you are coming home soon! It’s fun to see you on TV but I miss you anyway. Even though