Teeth_ Vampire Tales - Ellen Datlow [88]
The smoke smell is everywhere in here, digging a barbed-wire itch in my throat, in my chest, it makes me cough. . . . Afterward, when Andy’s done, I’m going to go up onto the roof and lean over the railing, let my feet dangle and feel like I’m flying. Flying and crying, for you and for me: Because I am crying, Baby, just a little, because I’m going to miss you a lot.
In the Future When All’s Well
by Catherynne M. Valente
These days, pretty much anything will turn you into a vampire.
We have these stupid safety and hygiene seminars at school. Like, before, it was D.A.R.E. and oh my God if you even look crosswise at a bus that goes to that part of town you will be hit with a fire-hose blast full of PCP and there is nothing you can even do about it so just stay in your room and don’t think about beer. Do you even know what PCP looks like? I have no idea.
I remember they used to say PCP made you think you could fly. That seems kind of funny, now.
Anyway, there’s lists. Two of them, actually. On the first day of S/H class, the teacher hands them out. They’re always the same, I practically have them memorized. One says: MOST COMMON CAUSES. The other says: HIGH-RISK GROUPS. So here, just in case you ditched that day so you could go down to that part of town and suck on the fire hose, you fucking slacker.
MOST COMMON CAUSES
Immoral Conduct
Depression
Black Cat Crossing the Path of Pregnant or Nursing Mother
Improper Burial
Animal (Most Often Black) Jumping Over Grave, Corpse
Bird (Most Often Black) Flying Over Grave, Corpse
Butterfly Alighting on Tombstone
Ingestion of Meat from Animal Killed by a Wolf
Death Before Baptism
Burying Corpse at Crossroads
Failing to Bury Corpse at Crossroads
Direct Infection
Blood Transfusions Received 2011–2013
HIGH-RISK GROUPS (HR)
Persons Born with Extra Nipple, Vestigial Tail, Excess Hair, Teeth, Breech
Persons Whose Mothers Encountered Black Cats While Pregnant
Persons Whose Mothers Did Not Ingest Sufficient Salt While Pregnant
Seventh Children, Either Sex
Children Conceived on Saturday
Children Born out of Wedlock
Children Vaccinated for Polio 1999–2002
Children Diagnosed Autistic/OCD
Promiscuous Youngsters
Persons Possessing Unkempt Eyebrows
Persons Bearing Unusual Moles or Birthmarks
Redheads with Blue Eyes
I swear to God you cannot even walk down the street without getting turned. That list doesn’t even get into your standard jump-out-of-the-shadows schtick. Like, half the graduating class have to get their diploma indoors, you know? Plus I think they just put in that shit about promiscuous youngsters because it’s, like, their duty as teachers to make sure no one ever has sex. Who says “youngsters,” anyway? The problem with S/H class is that, just like the big scary PCP, we all know where to get it if we want it, so the whole thing is just . . . kill me now so I can go get a freaking milkshake.
My dad says this is all because of the immigrants coming in from Romania, Ukraine, Bulgaria. I don’t know. I read Dracula and whatever. Doesn’t seem very realistic to me. Vampires are sort of something that just happens to you, like finals. I know people used to think they were all lords of the night and stuff, and they are, I guess. But it’s, like, my friend Emmy got turned last week because a black dog walked around her house the wrong way. Sometimes things just get fucked up and it’s not because there was a revolution in Bulgaria.
But I guess the point is, I’m going to graduate soon and I’m just sort of waiting for it to happen to me. There’s this whole summer before college and it’s like a million years long and I have red hair and blue eyes, so, you know, eventually