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Tempo and reps on both the row and the drag curl are the same as in Occam’s Protocol, 5 up and 5 down.

Dave Palumbo was going to become a doctor.

Then, somewhere between running track in college and his third and final year in med school, he became fascinated by muscular growth. That marked a fork in the path, and he opted to step outside of the laboratory and make himself a real-life experiment.

He weighed less than 140 pounds when he started in 1986. By 1997, he was 310 pounds at less than 10% bodyfat.

In 2008 alone, in addition to training professional athletes and celebrities like WWE star Triple H, he trained more than 150 bodybuilders and physique competitors. Getting to 3.5% bodyfat or doubling your body mass isn’t normal, but that is precisely Dave’s forte: creating freaks of nature.

This brings us to the kitchen in 1997, just before his apex of mass proportions.

Dave was standing completely still, braced with his hands on the sink.

He hadn’t been gaining weight. Despite consuming six to eight Met-Rx meal replacement packets and four to five whole-food meals per day, the scale wasn’t budging. He needed to eat more, but he couldn’t chew and digest more solids without regurgitating. It was impossible. He’d reached his solid food limit, so he had to augment with liquid.

His Jewish grandmother harassed him about consuming raw eggs and the risk of salmonella poisoning, so he compromised: 12 eggs mixed in a blender and then microwaved for one minute. That formed the base. The full recipe was four ingredients:

12 warm blended eggs

1 cup apple juice

1 cup uncooked oatmeal

2 scoops whey protein powder

Blending the concoction created a cement-like substance, which he then had to pour down his throat while stationed at the kitchen sink. He’d conditioned himself to inhibit the gag reflex, which was critical, as the sludge moved at a glacial pace down his esophagus to his stomach.

Just another day at the office.

Then he waited.

Dave had learned from experience—and thrice-daily cement feedings—that he had to remain perfectly still for 15 minutes, no less, breathing slowly and allowing things to settle. Even shifting on his feet could trigger immediate retching. Stillness was important.

There were times, of course, when the world didn’t cooperate.

He had once been late for a training appointment, so he force-fed himself, threw the blender in the sink, and jumped in his car to beat the clock. Keep in mind that, at 5′10″ and more than 300 pounds, his legs were only a few inches from his stomach when seated. He had outgrown his car.

In minutes, as he rushed through traffic, his mouth began to produce copious amounts of saliva, preparing his digestive tract for rejection. He did his best to achieve a Zen-like state, repeating “Please don’t puke, please don’t puke, please don’t puke,” like a mantra. He was almost there.

Dave approached a light, and the car in front of him stopped short.

He slammed on the brakes. This made his stomach slam into his thighs and he projectile-vomited onto the windshield, like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, for several long seconds. Not an inch of windshield was spared, and nothing remained in his stomach.

Toweling off just enough to see, he raced to his client’s house, jumped out of the car, and ran up to the front door. “What the hell happened to your car?” was all his client could say as Dave walked past him directly to the kitchen.

It was time to have another shake. The calories were not optional.

Gaining more than 180 pounds of muscle is possible, as is squatting with fourteen 45-pound plates on the bar, but neither is common. Doing the uncommon requires uncommon behavior. Rule #1 for Dave: eating would not always be for enjoyment.

If you’re attempting to gain large amounts of muscular weight, it won’t always be enjoyable for you either. This is particularly true for the first week.

Buckle up and get the job done.

End of Chapter Notes

16. Yes, in case you missed it earlier, this is a weight