The Adventures of Augie March - Saul Bellow [123]
That was how I interpreted it. "Well, what's the matter with you? Yes, I'd marry an older woman, Why not?" "I bet you wouldn't." He was still able to amaze me, as though we had remained kids. "We don't have to argue about it because she's not old. She's about twenty-two, I'm told." "By whom? And you haven't even seen her?" "No, I haven't seen her. You remember the buyer, my old boss? He's fixing me up .1 have her picture. She's not bad. Heavy--but I'm getting heavy too. She's sort of pretty. Anyhow, even if she weren't pretty, and if the buyer isn't lying about the dough--her family is supposed to have a mountain of dough--I'd marry her." "You've already made up your mind?" "I'll say I have!" "And suppose she doesn't want you?" "I'll see that she does. Don't you think I can?" "Maybe you can, but I don't like it. It's cold-blooded." "Cold-blooded!" he said with sudden emotion. "What's cold-blooded about it? I'd be cold-blooded if I stayed as I am. I see around this marriage and beyond it. I'll never again go for all the nonsense about marriage. Everybody you lay eyes on, except perhaps a few like you and me, is born of marriage. Do you see anything so exceptional or wonderful about it that makes it such a big deal? Why be fooling around to make this perfect great marriage? What's it going to save you from? Has it saved anybody--the jerks, the fools, the morons, the schleppers, the jag-offs, the monkeys, rats, rabbits, or the decent unhappy people or what you call nice people? They're all married or are born of marriages, so how can you pretend to me that it makes a difference that Bob loves Mary who marries Jerry? That's for the movies. Don't you see people pondering how to marry for love and petting the blood gypped out of them? Because while they're looking for the best there is--and I figure that's what's wrong with you--everything else gets lost. It's sad, it's a pity, but it's that way." I was all the same strongly against him; that he saw. Even if I couldn't just then consider myself on the active list of lovers and wasn't carrying a live torch any more for Esther Fenchel. I recognized his face as the face of a man in the wrong. I thought there was too much noise of life around him for a right decision to be made. Furthermore, the books I had been reading--I noticed that Simon was aware of their contribution to my opposition and his eye marked them as opponents, and there was a little bit of derision in his glance too. But I couldn't deny or be disloyal to, at the first hard blink of a challenger or because of derision, things I took seriously and consented to in my private soul as I sat reading. "What do you want me to agree with you for? If you believe what you're saying, it shouldn't make any difference whether I agree or not." "Oh hell!" he said, sitting forward and looking into me with widened eyes. "Don't flatter yourself, kid. If you really understood you'd agree. That would be nice, but I can certainly get along without if I have to. And besides, though this may not flatter either of us, we're the same and want the same. So you understand." I wasn't of that opinion, and not from pride; only because of the facts. Seeing that he needed me to be similar, however, I kept quiet. And if he was talking about the mysterious part of parentage, that our organs could receive waves or quanta of the same length, I didn't know enough about it to differ with him. "Well, maybe it's as you say. But what makes you think this girl and her family are going to want you?" "What are my assets? Well, first of all we're all handsome men in our family. Even George, if he were normal, would have been. The old lady knew that and thought we'd capitalize on it. But besides, I'm not marrying a rich girl in order to live on her dough and have a good time. They'll get full value out of me, those people. They'll see that I won't lie down and take it easy. I can't. I have to make money. I'm not one of those guys that give up what they want as soon as they realize they want it. I want money, and I mean want; and I can handle it. Those are my assets.