The Adventures of Augie March - Saul Bellow [299]
This happens to many a frail spirit who forgets what the dis484 guises are for, doesn't understand complexity, or how to return to simplicity. From telling different things to everyone, forgets what the case is originally and what he wants himself. How rare is simple thought and pureheartedness! Even a moment of pureheartedness I bow to, down to the ground. That's why I think well of you when you tell me you're in love. I appreciate this durability, and I'm a lover myself." God bless Mintouchian! What a good man! He really paid attention, and I returned him love for love. "You will understand, Mr. Mintouchian, if I tell you that I have always tried to become what I am. But it's a frightening thing. Because what if what I am by nature isn't good enough?" I was close to tears as I said it to him. "I suppose I better, anyway, give in and be it. I will never force the hand of fate to create a better Augie March, nor change the time to an age of gold." "That's exactly right. You must take your chance on what you are. And you can't sit still. I know this double poser, that if you make a move you may lose but if you sit still you will decay. But what will you lose? You will not invent better than God or nature or turn yourself into the man who lacks no gift or development before you make the move. This is not given to us." "That's right, and I'm grateful to you," I said. "I owe you much for this explanation." This took place on the fifty-eighth story of a building in midtown Manhattan, behind sliding glass doors. No use being so blase as not to mention it. "It is better to die what you are than to live a stranger forever," he said. After this he concentrated in silence for a while, as though he were counting drops from an invisible dropper. What were the drops of, of pure essence, or of gall? "I think you will be interested in a matter that's bothered me the last few months." Gall. I saw that now. His large eyes grew heavy and sad. "The reason why I told of a bracelet before," he said, "is that I have jewelry on my mind on account of a diamond ring that Mrs. Kuttner, Agnes, lost several months ago. She said she was mugged in Central Park while walking the dog in the evening. It happens of course that people are mugged." "But why wear a diamond ring while walking a dog?" "That is explained by the fact that we had a date. On her throat fingermarks. Good enough evidence, huh? Also, she was found lying on a path between the Met and the children's playground. The cops took her home. Pretty convincing, isn't it?" "It sounds absolutely--" "She collected the insurance of five thousand dollars. And now I tell you in strict confidence that she did it all herself." "What?" "Choked herself unconscious. The marks on her throat she made with her own fingers." "How could she!" "She could." The vision of the Vienna beauty choking herself in the night park stupefied me. "How do you know?" "Because one of her friends is keeping the ring for her." "But what is she trying to put over?" "That's the whole thing. I give her all the money she needs. Plus sending a check to her husband in Cuba. So what does she want this extra swindle for?" "Maybe it's just social-security money, like? Have you provided for her?" "She is very managing about property. That's my best hope. Provided? Of course. I gave her a house on the Island. But what if it isn't that? You get the pitch? She has secrets from me; she's double-lifing me." "It might turn out to be something very ordinary, like a brother in trouble she doesn't want to tell you about. Or she's tired of just being handed money and wants to make money." He was aware that I was trying to comfort him. "There must be easier ways. No, what if it's to pay off somebody? Ah, law practice makes me very suspicious. But don't you see where I'm at?" Mintouchian asked me. "With my outlook?" Sometimes on short acquaintance you can get very closely knitted to someone. And Mintouchian and I now were. On this particular Saturday, Stella and Agnes not showing up because of a misunderstanding about the arrangements, Mintouchian