The Adventures of Augie March - Saul Bellow [89]
and it had spilled and scalded me, that was how I felt. And here I had all along thought that the worst that could occur in the minds of young girls, heiresses even, was innocent by the standards of Einhom's poolroom. "Who thought of that, you or your sister?" "I don't want to throw all the blame on Esther. I thought it might be so too, even though she brought it up first. We. knew you weren't related to Mrs. Renling because we heard her say once to Mrs. Zeeland that you were her husband's protege. You never danced with anybody else, and you held hands with her, and she is a sexy-looking woman for her age. You ought to see the two of you together! And then she's a European, and they don't think it's so terrible for a woman to have a much younger lover. I don't see what's so terrible about it either. Just my deadhead of a sister does." "But I'm not European. I come from Chicago. I work for her husband in Evanston. I'm a clerk in his store, and that's the only occupation I have." "Now don't be upset, Mr. March. Please don't be. We get around and see a lot. Why do you think I came out here to talk to you? Not to trouble you more. If you did, you did, and if you didn't, you didn't." "You don't know what you're saying. It's a lousy thing to think of me, and of Mrs. Renling too, who's been only kind to me." I was angry and sounded angry, and she held Her answers back; she also was heated and tight with excitement. I felt as well as saw her eyes deeply studying me. Whereas till now she had smiled occasionally there was no longer the least bit of humor in her face, which I saw well in the whiteness and ground dust and orchard leaves. I began to understand that I was with someone extraordinary, for it was a hot, prompt, investigative, and nearly imploring face. It was delicate but also full of strong nerve, with the recklessness that gives you as much concern as admiration, seeing it in a young woman; as when you see birds battling, like two fierce spouts of blood; they could easily die from small harms and don't seem to realize it. Of course that's one of those innocent male ideas probably. "You don't really believe I'm Mrs. Renling's gigolo, do you?" "I've already told you I wouldn't care if you were." "Sure, what difference should it make to you!" "No, you don't get it. You've been in love with my sister and following her around, so you haven't noticed that I've done exactly the same to you." "You've what?" "I've fallen in love with you. I love you." "Go away. You don't. It's just an idea. If it's even an idea. What are you trying to give me?" "You couldn't love Esther if you knew her. You're like me. That's why you fell in love. She couldn't. Augie! Why don't you change to me?" She took my hand and drew it to her, leaning toward me from the hips, which were graceful. Oh, Mrs. Renling over whom I thought I had triumphed because her suspicions were so misplaced! "I don't care about Mrs. Renling," she said. "Suppose you did, once." "Never!" "A young person can do all sorts of things because he has more in him than he knows what to do with." Did I say that the world had never had better color? I left something out of account, a limping, crippled consideration which seems to lose ground as you reach beauty and Orizaba flowers, but soon you find it has preceded you. "Now, Miss Fenchel," I said, trying to keep her in her seat as I stood up. "You're lovely, but what do you think we're doing? I can't help it, I love Esther." And as she wouldn't stay put I had to escape from the swing and get away in the orchard. "Mr. March--Augie," she called. But I wasn't going to talk to her now. I went into the hotel by the service entrance. When I was in the room, with the phone off the hook so that Mrs. Renling couldn't reach me, I explained to myself, while taking off my good duds and dropping them on the floor, that this was merely something between sisters and I figured in it accidentally, not really personally. But my other thought was that, if it weren't so, there was no luck in these things; how everyone seemed to get drawn in the wrong direction.