The Almost Moon - Alice Sebold [54]
He had conditioned himself to going gloveless in the cold of Wisconsin years ago. I saw his ruined thumb and finger, where the nails had become permanently discolored.
“What did you think putting her in the freezer would achieve?”
“I don’t know,” I said. I could feel the shelf I kept the laundry supplies on gouging into my back. “I don’t know.”
He came forward, and I flinched. “Don’t be afraid.” He took one of my arms in his hand and pulled me away from the wall. A box of softener sheets fell to the floor. “Come here,” he said.
And then he encased me. Encased me in a way the thirty-year-old Hamish never could. There was history and knowledge and even, as amazing as it was, compassion in this embrace. I thought of how he would talk about his work as ephemeral, and that all things were ephemeral when it came down to it, even relationships.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I said. I let myself lean, for a moment, against his rough gray coat. “I should have called someone, but I didn’t.”
Ever so gently he removed the backpack from his shoulder and placed it on the dryer.
“You called me,” he said.
I kept my head burrowed into his chest even though I could feel him wanting to pull back and look at me. I did not want to be looked at by anyone. I could not believe what I had done, but at the same time, inside me, like a kernel just beginning to grow, I felt justified. No one—not even Jake, who could conceive of it better than anyone—knew what my life with my mother had become.
“I couldn’t do it anymore,” I said. He put his hands on my shoulders and forced me to look at him. I was crying in a hideous leaking sort of way. I had forgotten, as the years passed and our conversations were had only over the phone, me always in Pennsylvania and him in one city after another, how kind his face could be. I saw the gentleness that Emily had grown so close to. I saw the man Jeanine and Leo called “Big Dad,” and whom, for obvious reasons, they preferred to me.
“Oh, Helen,” he said. He put his hand to my cheek. “My poor Helen.”
He kissed me on the top of my head and then held me against him, rocking me. We stayed that way for a long while. Long enough for the light outside to go from deep to light blue. Long enough for the first bird of dawn to be joined by a chorus. Only Jake could get away with saying such things to me.
When we pulled apart, he suggested coffee, and we moved down the long back hallway, on the wall of which I kept a map of the world that had once been my father’s. Over the years, the countries at shoulder height had been rubbed raw by the accidental brushing of my winter coat whenever I left through the garage. I spied the just-spared Caracas out of my left eye.
My father had brought the map over two weeks before he shot himself. “Why now?” I’d asked him. He smiled as Emily came to greet him. Every man, even her grandfather, a secret disappointment to her in those first years away from Jake. “So that Emily and Sarah can learn their geography!” he’d said.
I turned on the lights in my kitchen. They were recessed and supposed to be better than old-fashioned overheads, but the slight broken-filament sound they always made as they heated up had never failed to disturb me. I went to the long counter and pulled the coffeemaker away from the wall. I wanted to talk about something besides my mother.
“Who are you working for in Santa Barbara?” I managed.
“Some computer guy,” he said.
Jake came and stood close beside me, as if we were two line workers on a conveyor belt. He took the glass pot from my hands and turned on the faucets of the sink to rinse it out. I tossed the old grounds out and replaced the filter.
“He has homes in about a dozen places. Actually, Avery was the one who hooked me up. He’s friends with this guy’s acquisitions rep.”
“Acquisitions rep?”
After handing me the pot, Jake turned and leaned against the counter. I spooned in the coffee, keeping my mind on the count.
“Are you sure you want to hear about this?”
I nodded my head.
“It’s a whole new world. I do more and more private