The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rod - Terry Pratchett [37]
On the floor, Darktan gave up trying to get Hamnpork to move. He drew his sword, looked up at the humans, hesitated, and then ran for the drain.
Yes, let them sort it out. They're all human, Maurice thought. They've got big brains, they can talk, it should be no problem at all.
Hah! Tell them a story, story-telling girl!
Rat-catcher 1 stared at Malicia and Keith. 'What're you doing here, miss?' he said, his voice creaking with suspicion.
'Playing Mummies and Daddies?' said Rat-catcher 2 cheerfully.
'You broke into our shed,' said Rat-catcher 1. 'That's called "breaking in", that is!'
'You've been stealing, yes, stealing food and blaming it on rats!' snapped Malicia. 'And why have you got all these rats caged up in here? And what about the aglets, eh? Surprised, eh? Didn't think anyone would notice them, eh?'
'Aglets?' said Rat-catcher 1, his brow wrinkling.
'The little bits on the end of bootlaces,' mumbled Keith.
Rat-catcher 1 spun around. 'You bloody idiot, Bill! I said we had enough real ones! I told you someone would notice! Didn't I tell you someone would notice? Someone has noticed!'
'Yes, don't think you've got away with anything!' said Malicia. Her eyes were gleaming. 'I know you're only the humorous thugs. One big fat one, one thin one - it's obvious! So who's the big boss?'
Rat-catcher 1's eyes glazed slightly, as they often did when Malicia talked at people. He waved a fat finger at her. 'You know what your father's been and gone and done just now?' he said.
'Hah! Humorous thug talk!' said Malicia triumphantly. 'Do go on!'
'He's been and gone and sent off for the Rat Piper!' said Rat-catcher 2. 'He costs a fortune! Three hundred dollars a town and if you don't pay up he gets really mean!'
Oh dear, thought Maurice. Someone's been and gone and sent for the real one… three hundred dollars. Three hundred dollars? Three hundred dollars? And we only charged thirty!
'It's you, isn't it,' said Rat-catcher 1, waving his finger at Keith. 'The stupid-looking kid! You turn up, and suddenly there's all these new rats around! There's something I don't like about you! You and your funny-looking cat! If I see that funny-looking cat again it's going to have mittens!'
In the darkness of the drain, Maurice shrank back.
'Hur, hur, hur,' said Rat-catcher 2. He'd probably studied to get a thug laugh like that, Maurice thought.
'And we don't have a boss,' said Rat-catcher 1.
'Yeah, we're our own bosses,' said Rat-catcher 2.
And then the story went wrong.
'And you, miss,' said Rat-catcher 1, turning to Malicia, 'are too lippy by half.' He swung his fist, lifting her off her feet and slamming her against the rat cages. The rats went mad and the cages boiled with frantic activity as she slumped to the ground.
The rat-catcher turned to Keith. 'You going to try anything, kid?' he said. 'You going to try anything? She was a girl so I was nice and kind but you I'll put in one of the cages-'
'Yeah, and they ain't been fed today!' said a delighted Rat-catcher 2.
Go on, kid! Maurice thought. Do something! But Keith just stood there, staring at the man.
Rat-catcher 1 looked him up and down, scornfully. 'What's that you've got there, boy? A pipe? Give it here!' The pipe was grabbed from Keith's belt and he was pushed onto the floor. 'A penny whistle? Think you're the rat piper, do you?' Rat-catcher 1 snapped the pipe in two and tossed the bits inside the cages. 'Y'know, they say that over in Porkscratchenz the Rat Piper led all the kids out of the town. Now there was a man with the right idea!'
Keith looked up. His eyes narrowed. He got to his feet.
Here it comes, thought Maurice. He's going to leap forward with superhuman strength because he's so angry and they're going to wish he'd never been born…
Keith leapt forward with ordinary human strength, landed one punch on Rat-catcher 1 and was smacked to the floor again by a big, brutal, sledgehammer blow.
All right, all right, he got knocked