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By Root 1328 0

besides oneself. A true Dorisite who also happens to believe in God usually believes that God really does love him or her and everybody else. The atheistic Dorisite believes that although there is no God, if there were a God He would be an easy person to talk to, while the solipsistic Dorisite, which is almost a contradiction in terms, believes that he has created everybody else because he needs somebody to play with. Dorisites make excellent mothers, and also but less often, excellent fathers. Above all, Dorisites make excellent lovers. Even in the physical act itself, a Dorisite is always aware of mutuality. Outside such intimate dealings, Dorisites are sociable to the point of gregariousness. Every Dorisite has many friends and is always on the lookout for more. It would be easily possible to imagine a hermit Jelenist; an anchorite Dorisite is inconceivable.

Human nature is not perfect, and both Jelenists and Dorisites have their shortcomings. Jelenists are inclined to be secretive, while Dorisites are so incapable of keeping a secret that they are not trustworthy. Dorisites can be overprotective, while Jelenists may be inclined to be unconcerned. Some Jelenists are acknowledged swell-heads, while just as many Dorisites are shrinking violets. In the area of perversion, Jelenists are sadists and Dorisites are masochists. There are Jelenists known for their compulsive lying or compulsive stealing, while Dorisitism has produced its share of prostitutes and bad politicians. There have been six U.S. Presidents since the time of Jelena and Doris; of those six, three have been Dorisites, while the other three were Jelenists.

But it is of the Stay More factions that we must speak. The Jelenists were no longer on speaking terms with the Dorisites, and the latter, although perfectly willing to speak to the former, understood the former’s feelings, respected them, and made no move. In families containing members of both factions, difficulties arose. Bevis Ingledew, for example, was one of the leaders of the Jelenists, while his wife Emelda was an upstanding Dorisite. Being no longer on speaking terms with her was no problem, since he never spoke to her anyway, but there was the problem of shutting her out of his thoughts. Every now and then he would “hear” her say something like, Dorisitism teaches us to be charitable. Why don’t ye take that leftover ham to them pore Coes? and he would be inclined to retort that Jelenism teaches us to be self-sufficient, but he would remember that Jelenists were not on speaking terms with Dorisites, and then realize that just by thinking these thoughts he had communicated them to her. The “argument” would begin, their thoughts furiously debating charity vs. self-sufficiency. She couldn’t prove him wrong, because a Jelenist can never be proved wrong, but in the end he would wind up taking the leftover ham to the poor Coes, where he would find that while Ed Herb Coe was a Dorisite and grateful for the ham, Viola Coe was a Jelenist and wouldn’t let him accept it. “Shame on ye, Bevis! A good Jelenist like you! I got a mine to tell the other members on ye!”

The schoolhouse, which had been the church once upon a time, was expropriated by the Jelenists for their sanctuary, which is what Jelenists call their meeting place. Being accommodating, the Dorisites did not object: instead, they held their meetin place, which is what Dorisites call their meeting place, in the unused canning factory. The Jelenists also expropriated the Second Tuesday of the Month for their meetings; the Dorisites instituted the Third Tuesday of the Month. Dorisite meetings were little more than sociables, where everybody greeted one another and exchanged secrets and sang convivial songs and hatched charitable plots and declared their love for Doris Ingledew and her daughter Jelena and everybody else, including the Jelenists. The Jelenist meetings were more somber, or more staid; without singing, they solemnly repeated their list of 101 reasons why Jelena Ingledew could not possibly be the daughter of Doris, and then their more