The Art of Conversation - Catherine Blyth [16]
TO “HI” OR “HOW DO YOU DO?”
So how to acknowledge status in introductions?
At a corporate event, I once watched the chief executive of a multinational media conglomerate being introduced as the chief executive of a multinational media conglomerate to—be still your beating heart—Don Johnson.
The CEO’s TV-wide shades could not hide her perplexity. She smiled, extended a lizard hand, and rotated her head ninety degrees.
“And what,” she asked her host through unparted teeth, like a ventriloquist addressing a dummy, “does Don do?”
The unfortunate host may have thought he was paying the CEO a great compliment in giving her such fanfare to the Miami Vice veteran. He can’t have been aware that, although greeting first means you lead an encounter, conversely, in introductions, the lower status person is traditionally introduced first—equivalent to the diplomatic gift being offered the pasha. Not nice, but that’s status games for you.
➺ Rule eight: Introduce the higher status person (older, female) second
Remember the playground chant? First the worst, second the best . . .
In a pub or bar, with close friends, who cares? But if in any doubt about the level of formality, pay attention; there are endless clues. (One grande dame used to prejudge a function by the aerodynamics of the invitation: The stiffer the card, the farther it flew when frisbeed across her dressing room, the smarter the togs she wore.)
➺ Rule nine: Don’t try to regrade the social register in greetings
I’ve been in starchy situations where people act as if their personalities are in corsets, and most give the impression they’d rather not be (the alcohol intake usually confirms this). Even so, if you want to loosen up, it is the job of small talk, not introductions, to ascend the stair of friendship. Presuming intimacy from the off won’t get you there. Old hands such as Princess Anne defy coercion. When she met the former premier’s wife, Cherie Blair, the other said, “Call me Cherie.”
“I’d rather not, Mrs. Blair,” said the princess.
13 UNLUCKY GAMBITS FOR OPENING CONVERSATION WITH STRANGERS
1. A funny voice
2. Batting eyelids, twitching, itching, winking, etc.
3. The clothes inspection (radiates ill-will, regardless of whether you like the other person’s look)
4. Touching, except the hand, cheek kiss, or clasping an elbow (for a power shake)
5. Refusing a hand
6. Holding on after its owner begins to withdraw
7. Wiping yours before or after shaking
8. Looking away during introductions
9. Laughing unprompted
10. That joke about the comedy surname
11. Rejecting a compliment
12. Saying, “Oh yes, I’ve heard about you” without further elaboration
13. Silence
➺ Rule ten: Introductions present the first thread for discussion
Meeting a potential contact/employer/lover may feel to you like stepping under a Broadway hot-spot, but the other person may be equally intimidated, or thinking about what to buy for dinner. At this point it’s impossible to know. So if you feel self-conscious, invert it: Be conscious of others, let your enthusiasm show, and focus on introductions, the primer for what you two might have to talk about.
An effective introduction is small-ad brief, splicing in only two ingredients per person:
The salient information is not so much formal title (royals, snobs, and servicemen excepted) as how you relate to one another or the event (housemate, client, mother-in-law, single male drafted in for ladies like you). Identify points of contact, charge people up, and you have a connection.
So put your best hand forward, smile, and remember the virtue of Sawu bona: “I see you.” It says the other person matters.
Now conversation can begin.
TYPOLOGY OF BORES, CHORES, AND OTHER CONVERSATIONAL BEASTS
THE CROWD OF STRANGERS Tyrannoborus rex
You arrive late, as planned. The joint is jumping. There is your host, and there is everybody else you have never met.
Before a virgin expanse of unfamiliar faces, the prospect of mingling may feel little more alluring than staging a burglary.