The Art of Conversation - Catherine Blyth [21]
If the answer’s no, he doesn’t want to say why.
ACTS OF PROVOCATION
Some approaches ask for trouble—which might be just the thing to pep talk up. Compare “I’m not sure about the coffee here” with “This latte’s like breast milk.” Between prejudice and opinion lie discussion and disagreement. But easy does it. Beware:
Generalizations:
Can appear pompous, shutting off discussion.
Personal remarks:
There’s no accounting for neurosis. For example, “I hate being told I look well,” confided a radiant beauty. “It means I’m fat.”
Unsolicited advice:
A charming fellow restaurant diner once told me, “Order the fruit: It’ll do your skin good.”
Health, wealth, creed:
If you must know, there are other ways to find out.
Boasting:
Let them see how marvelous you are.
Moaning:
Need I explain?
Bitching:
A hostage to fortune. Do you know them well enough to trust?
Teasing:
Do they share your sense of humor?
Too much information:
Enough said?
Unwarranted sympathy:
Who wants to feel pitied?
Telling a woman where she bought her dress:
Obscurely insulting, and a form of boast.
“What do you do?”
We’ve all asked, but who enjoys reheating their CV? If he loves his work, you’ll hear soon enough. And you don’t want to come over as a status sifter or salary sniffer, do you?
If on the receiving end of this question and feeling puckish, why not take this ex-escort’s advice: “I say I’m a brain surgeon and see how they react.” Or copy ad director Vick Beasley, and print bogus business cards (hers read “BDI” for “Beasley Detective Investigations”: extra credit went to those who detected the pun).
Be prepared or toads shall hop forth from thy mouth. Like my unlucky friend who fell mute, to hide the effects of goldfish-bowl chargers of wine served by her boyfriend’s intimidating older friends. But the soigné hostess wasn’t having any of it and kept asking about her legal course. Somehow my friend spoke: “Don’t worry your pretty head about it.”
The shame outlived the hangover.
➺ Rule seven: Find an incentive for talking
What do you want to talk about?
To save time and tedium, seek what your fellow talkers would like. With antennae tuned, you can find common ground fast, then dig in. Trail topic bait, pouncing on subjects that light them up. Just one word—“sports”—is a personality biopsy; gouts of useful information usually spurt forth. Or, if in season, mention Oscars: Either they won’t care, or they’ll discuss films, gowns, or whoever’s blubbing acceptance speech. Voilà your conversation’s direction: another topic, culture, conspicuous consumption, or the grisly trade in emotica.
Watching faces also stems catastrophe. (I still picture my dumb-struck Anglo-Indian friend, Anil, at a barbecue, as evening darked to night, and I happened upon him cornered by a beery Blimp, who it transpired had been calling him “O’Neill” and descanting on how Albion was awash with foreigners.)
Floundering? Then fabricate an incentive. Generous small talk automatically has a point, not least for you: Jonathan Haidt, author of The Happiness Hypothesis, found “kindness and gratitude activities” the most enduring of mood improvers. I know a hotel publicist who finds the perpetual obligation to chat to strangers occasionally stifling. She wards off insincerity by finding ways to help: a restaurant tip, gallery to visit. This tactic works both ways, since being asked advice is flattering. Maybe the other person knows a good butcher, book? A gift for a glum aunt? Specific inquiries reap detailed answers—richer small-talk material.
➺ Rule eight: Tickle boundaries
Discussion should enlarge by exploratory increments. Pace matters. Too neutral, too long, and you’ll both transmit beige personalities, but accelerate to war’s evils right away and her son will be a brigadier. Instead, use discreet hints to flush the other person out.
If in doubt, the stair to intimacy has four steps:
Courtesies (