The Art of Conversation - Catherine Blyth [29]
So reserve judgment, bearing in mind:
A speaker’s native and personal style (his “Omigod” may not be blasphemy to him)
How his words relate to the conversation so far
How his words relate to the agendas circling beneath
How emotions inflect what he says and what you hear
And try to follow the emotional roller coaster implied by tone and pitch, as well as posture, facial expression, and gestures.
SYMPATHY SHUTTERS: A GLOSSARY
Thou shalt not give advice: the undeclared commandment of the Samaritans’ helpline. Advice is a peerless strategy for not listening, and many words of seeming empathy are double agents, closing down talk the speaker would rather not hear, or criticism cloaked in sympathy.
Here follow some false friends, which appear to hold out comfort but, like a cross wielded at a vampire, aim to drive others’ woes away. In addition, some handy water-treaders that sound supportive without agreeing (ideal for tricky conversation).
LINE
“She didn’t!”
“I can see why you felt that
way.”
“If I were you, I would . . .”
“That’s awful!”
“I understand.”
“Why do you think he said
that?”
“That must have been hard.”
“Next time . . .”
“Can’t be easy.”
“That’s hilarious!”
SUBTEXT
“Stop exaggerating.”
“Are you, perchance, being
unreasonable?”
“Thank heaven I’m not!”
“Enough already.”
“And have for twenty minutes.
Where’s your fast-forward?”
“Look in the mirror, honey.”
“But note my use of the past
tense: Move on.”
“New topic, please.”
“Hey, could be worse.”
“I don’t get it.”
➺ Rule eight: Hear the unstated
Comic Joan Rivers says no to shrinks (“There goes my act”). Poet Rainer Maria Rilke was little more enamored:
Something like a disinfected soul results from [psychoanalysis], a non-thing, a freakish form of life corrected in red ink like a page in a schoolboy’s notebook.
He was too suspicious. Responsible therapists tease out discontinuities and slip-ups in what patients tell them, not to smooth away quirks of personality, but to unearth tensions and conflicts, and break down hidden causes of pain—painful as this enzyme may be.
In any situation understanding is deepened if we listen out for insights lodged inside inconsistencies and non sequiturs; telling details that can identify the knotty kernel of a misunderstanding from which problems have grown, or reveal interesting kinks in a mind’s architecture.
For example, Elizabeth I shot down rumors of a dalliance, vehemently denying “anything dishonourable”—then spoiled it by adding, so what if she led a “dishonourable life”? As queen she “did not know anybody who could forbid her.” These statements coalesce the conflict she faced between being a woman, servant of chastity, and a monarch above men’s laws—a conflict that, in a cooler temper, she strove to put on ice by assuming the sterile role of Virgin Queen.
On a practical level, when you hear a contradiction—say, the airline claims your flight’s cancellation is not the same as bumping you off, therefore compensation isn’t due—unpack it. Not only can this be therapeutic and forestall misconceptions, but you may cajole someone into revising his tune. (For extra intimidation, write the explanation down, calmly checking spellings and punctuation—see How to Complain, page 249).
Attend to speech patterns too, as these are living autobiographies. If the new boyfriend gabs in unalloyed jargon, clichés, or swear words, what does this say? If the prospective client talks down to you, how will he do business?
And heed omissions. What does the estate agent pass over in silence? If the car dealer keeps returning to the design, ask again how the machine moves.
LET HER EAT CAKE
Philosopher J. L. Austin suggested that statements have three dimensions: words’ sense, the meaning implied by that sense, and the speaker’s underlying aim. This idea suggests a recipe for X-ray listening.
Take a statement: “Marie Antoinette has eaten all the