The Art of Conversation - Catherine Blyth [35]
Remember what CJ, the merrily tyrannical boss in the 1970s BBC series The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, would say, as he kept underlings waiting outside his office?
One, two, three, four,
Make ’em sweat outside the door,
Five, six, seven, eight,
Always pays to make ’em wait,
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve,
COME!
➺ Rule six: Silence is a window of opportunity
Of all silence’s powers, perhaps greatest is the chance it gives you to mend a hole in conversation, winning everyone’s gratitude. Or, if you prefer, to kick talk into touch and skedaddle. Either way, politeness requires that you revive talk first.
First diagnose the silence: Is conversation dead, or has it skipped a beat? If so, why? Miscommunication? Too much information? An agenda better saved for another day? A faux pas?
Think hard. In my experience, offense can bud out of anything from scorning lemon yellow cars, calling a child “little devil” (admittedly, it was a christening), to querying the name Kenton (her husband’s).
Once you have identified the cause, smile, invoke a new topic, or prepare to say good-bye.
And if ever in future silence troubles you, try to count the ways in which it is full. Welsh poet Dannie Abse recalled life with his late wife:
There are so many different qualities of silence: the breathless silence that follows a war explosion; the stony silence of a religious sanctuary. There is also the agreeable, comfortable silence of two people who love each other and who have lived together for years. I knew that silence.
Maybe for a moment, words are unnecessary. Maybe something better has passed: something understood.
TYPOLOGY OF BORES, CHORES, AND OTHER CONVERSATIONAL BEASTS
LIMPET Nugo pendens
Limpet tries to blend in. He shows no sign of life. It isn’t clear who invited him, or why. But as he clings to conversation, rocklike in silence, he stands out ever more.
Alternatively, garrulous Limpet sizzles with news you’ve already heard, stories that end well before their telling is told; impervious, indestructible, like a fossilized creature mysteriously reanimated. Oh yes, she says (and this explains everything) she’s known the host an age. But thank heaven for Facebook. Otherwise, they’d have, like, totally lost touch!
To either species, grim or garrulous, time is an abstract notion. Limpet adheres like a useless limb, unbudgeable by hint or yawn, and drags at conversation until all others’ spirits are limping.
Tactics: Show Limpet the kind of interest he must experience rarely—how else has he developed such a concrete coat of a personality? Perhaps a story lies behind the creation of the carapace. Ask questions, explore passions: You might prize off the shell to find a remarkable person.
Pluses: Limpet reminds us that anyone is boring if he outstays his welcome, and that diverting others is a duty—its neglect punishable by withdrawal of social security.
5
FIT SUBJECTS On Topics in Search of Good Homes
What do you want to talk about?
This can be a question of social life or death. One Hollywood producer feared for Victoria Beckham and her husband, the ageing soccer player David, on moving to LA:
They’re good-looking and rich, but I don’t know where they’re going to fit in.... They don’t really have anything anyone wants here. I mean, they’re not going to be in movies. You’re certainly not going to see them at Warren and Annette’s for dinner, talking about politics. They’re going to have to find an “issue” if they want to be taken seriously: maybe something like breast cancer or the environment.
A pet subject is the only passport to some circles. In less elevated settings,