The Art of Conversation - Catherine Blyth [40]
In general, inquiries after health and happiness are not diagnostic. Their aim is the friendly gesture, doing the metaphorical job of a wave as we pass someone’s home: If not on intimate terms, rarely do we expect to be invited in and told how unhappy he is. (Similarly, Anglo-Saxons routinely close conversations with symbolic invitations to “see you soon,” as a foxed Russian acquaintance found, turning up on London doorsteps as she thought had been arranged.)
While you may consider painful topics, like scabs, best picked in private, in Turkey, however, complaining is art, with seven different verbs to capture its nuances. Of Istanbul students surveyed, 30.4 percent identified “personal problems” as their top topic, 37 percent of women selecting the slightly grander “problems for students/the young.” Some argue this predilection expresses a national romantic, melancholy streak; others blame fear of the evil eye (unguarded talk of fortune is asking for trouble). But I see the pleasure of whining, with the right person, as philosopher Francis Bacon wrote:
Communicating of a man’s self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys and cutteth griefs in half.
Complaining can be modest, extremely funny, and gory details are bliss. A cynic might add that tales of misfortune—told sparingly, with wit—stoke popularity. A Machiavellian might go further and tell you the novel Vanity Fair, Thackeray’s masterly mockery of social aspiration, features a gentleman who did “little wrongs” to neighbors “on purpose, and in order to apologise for them in an open and manly way afterwards”—and for his troubles was “liked everywhere,” earning a lucrative name for honesty.
Risk: Lost prestige; attract/be trapped by losers; self-pity; yawns
Opportunity: Feel better; make others feel better; analyze problems; laughs
Scenario: Best friends; mothers (in limited doses); lovers (ditto); frenemies (when moaning is coded showing off—as in “I’m so busy, with my projects/babies/holidays/work-life-holiness balances to juggle”)
TRUE CONFESSIONS, SECRETS, AND LIES?
Blame Freud, blame TV, blame the Pill: the twentieth century saw a mass deregulation of taboos. But while our hot-lipped media imply that anything is up for discussion, unsolicited revelation from non-friends remains a burden. Spare a thought for hairdressers and bartenders.
Although morsels of mischief pep up talk, overdone they leave a sour taste. For conversation to feel truly intimate, traction between minds and an easy flow are what counts.
Risk: Bad name; bad aftertaste; offense; do you know who you’re talking to?
Opportunity: Thrills; spills; risk; they might show you theirs
Scenario: Father confessor; doctor; therapist; best friend; officer of the law
DEARLY BELOVED?
Romance, pets, and children fall under what I term the Baby Problem.
Why are babies boring? They’re not. As P. G. Wodehouse observed, many resemble homicidal fried eggs, and of course, in little blossom’s greedy gaze we see the wonder of the world reborn. The problem is their makers.
Hormone-foamy, exhausted, or plain self-centered, parents, like lovers, fondly imagine that what makes them happy is equal cause for celebration to the rest of us.
Well, I’m happy you’re happy. And as it happens, I like hearing about affairs of the heart and children; I love talking to said miniatures, and I enjoy patting dogs. Do I want details? A recital of little Timmy’s latest trumpet-tooting triumph? Oh, a story? A real live anecdote? You’re on.
But my, how fast stories about children grow; must be pesky time that goes slow.
However loved-up you are, it’s no excuse to ditch conversational technique. Litanies and lists do not a tale make. Keep a long story short to make the pleasure mutual.
Risk: Tedium; envy; the opposite of envy
Opportunity: Laughs (now or later)
Scenario: With other interested parties; at school gates; featured in deprecating jokes, etc.
HOBBIES, SPORTS,