The Art of Conversation - Catherine Blyth [72]
Never seem deeply to condemn her frailties, but rather joyfully to commend such things as should be in her, as though they were in her indeed.
Their egos may be more prominent, otherwise absolute monarchs are like you and me. We’ll yield to stroking, so long as the flatterer’s will to power is veiled, and even perhaps to advice, so long as the person issuing it puts the accent on his own faults.
HOW TO FLATTER
Be appropriate: Obsequiousness is grotesque because out of proportion, exuding surplus oil, making wheels too slippery to turn. Good flattery is weighted to the moment. Medieval historian Geoffrey of Monmouth recorded approvingly how Julius Caesar placated the rebellious Gauls:
He who had once raged like a lion, as he took from them their all, now went about bleating like a gentle lambe, as with muted voice he spoke of the pleasure it caused him to give everything back to them again. This soft caressing behaviour continued until all were won over again and he had recovered his lost power.
Be unpredictable: The unexpected is both memorable and, because original, seems more authentic. So it is flattering to subvert hierarchical relations—gently—deferring to assistants, cajoling bosses (“managing up”), or smarming to vassals (see Caesar, above).
Glorify in hope, not expectation: Abbasid poet Ibn al-Rumi recognized that flattery is lyrical, not literal—an expression of power, a wish, rather than truth:
God has reproached poets for saying what they do not do, but they are not guilty of this alone, for they say what princes do not do.
Similarly, artful compliments take their recipients on a holiday from drear reality. Why say “Your eyebrows are dark” if you can liken them to dancing calligraphy? Provided you’re sincere, the other person will know you mean it. Remember, this grooming exercise attends to the demands of the idealist superego. Indeed, giving a compliment, it is effectively rude not to exaggerate, since you are expressing a feeling, a desire, not a mathematical exactitude.
The one you love is always the most beautiful in the world, because you’re asserting the primacy of your world, not Brad and Angelina’s. We expect to hear this, even as we understand it isn’t factually true. Trust Shakespeare (Sonnet 138):
When my love swears that she is made of truth
I do believe her, though I know she lies,
That she might think me some untutor’d youth,
Unlearned in the world’s false subtleties . . .
On both sides thus is simple truth suppress’d.
Forget sunshine: Bring some flattering candlelight into someone’s life.
Be indirect: Choosing what to compliment, for subtlety, aim at something allied to a person’s prestige or a quality from which you could benefit, as supplicants to irate sultans are wise to trumpet their mercy.
Unpopular trainee geisha Sayo Masuda bought her way out of a reputation for stupidity by cynically playing on it, setting herself up as a compliments broker:
When I could see that a customer was important to a particular geisha, I’d watch for a moment when no one else was near and then say something like: “Elder Sister’s always talking about you, you know. She must really like you. I like you, too! And Sister likes you even more than I do. I guess that’s what it feels like to be in love?” Then I’d flash him a big, innocent smile. Since they all were convinced that I was a bit weak in the head, they’d take me seriously and be really pleased. The customer would tell my Elder Sister. Elder Sister would feel flattered and start taking me with her to parties. And before long, all this effort began to bear fruit. I became popular.
In the same way, playwright Aphra Behn flattered her king, Charles II, in her dedication to The Feigned Courtesans, by bigging up his mistress, ex-orange seller Nell Gwyn:
Who can doubt the power of that illustrious