The Art of Conversation - Catherine Blyth [81]
Facebook seems almost tempting. But ideally, networking brings as much pleasure as profit. I know a delightful couple, great party givers. Numerous threads connect their guests, many of whom might be deemed more powerful than the hosts; but because they meet en masse at the hosts’ house, the hosts become the gravitational center, generous spiders in a web of influence. It’s a parable of social influence: Be good to get good. No wonder Zeus was often worshipped in the form of the God of Guest-friendship.
Still, networking sometimes feels like dentistry, yourself patient and probe. Sounding out strangers is mined with hazards; touchy subjects like money and professional status. And while being nice, or naughty, or both, to get in with someone lies behind most conversation, nonetheless we are hypocrites and the tang of an agenda makes us suspicious. Keep yours discreet.
In the presence of the king, those who do not speak of what they need will obtain more than those who do.
(As Casanova misquoted Horace, in the presence of a king, when funds were short.)
A good networker regards everyone as king, himself too. Unlike this nerveball:
His voice was quick, anxious, slightly high-pitched, as though he were worried I would leave before he had finished his sentence.
Enter a room believing the bargain is unequal and awkwardness is guaranteed. What is more, it’s unnecessary, because if someone interests you, it’s likely you will him. He isn’t doing you a favor: You both are, by talking. See this as small-talk plus.
Successful networkers charm widely, aware that the more sparks they kindle, the more they sparkle. To indefatigable salonnière Carole Stone, maladroits are unmistakable:
They glide into the room, head straight for the most influential person and hog their attention, before breezing out without a glance at other lesser mortals.
Think what you might discuss, with whom, but don’t buttonhole, and focus away from workaday matters, even if these are what attracts you (that jolly doctor really doesn’t want to discuss your sore toe). Showing off homework won’t always win gold stars: I was nonplussed when a stranger elaborated my Google CV, a compliment I couldn’t return, knowing nothing about him. But I love talking to people who make me see things differently, offer fresh ideas. Trivia, humor, mild provocation . . .
Approaching your agenda, sidelong questions are advisable. But unless the other person volunteers the topic (and you may plant the seed), what need you now but contact details? Win him over, follow up on promises. If he’s happy to take your call, you have connected.
13
CHOPPY WATERS On Navigating Difficult Conversation
So ravishing was the tongue of Madame de Staël that contemporaries rated her one of Europe’s three powers (alongside Britain and Russia). Literary titan, political dynamo, and seductress, if not beauty, she encrusted her salon with the great and the good, and helped to gather the forces that toppled Napoleon.
If anyone could twist a conversation to her ends, you might think it she. But no.
Once she had chased the Emperor. She wrote, expressing regret that a “genius” should be saddled with a nonentity “Creole” wife. No reply (he laughed and avoided her). Finally she tracked him down to Talleyrand’s and handed him a laurel branch, demanding:
“Who is the woman you most respect?”
Napoleon replied, “The one who runs her house best.”
“Yes, I see your point. But who, for you, would be the greatest
of women?”
“The one who had the most children, Madame.”
No wonder she had it in for him. The moral of her story is, if you have a proposition, tender it sensitively. The moral of his? If you must repel someone, do it nicely. Their ticklish encounter illustrates that every conversation is a negotiation, and bungling one can curdle a relationship. However, the reverse is also true.
➺ Rule one: Difficult conversation transforms relationships,