The Art of Conversation - Catherine Blyth [90]
Something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
SHUT-UP SHOP
This is war, and begins with a protocol.
➺ Rule one: Ensure defense is necessary and justified
As the Spanish proverb has it, “Insults should be well avenged or well endured.” Or you will end the fool.
If there is no outright aggression, first ignore it. If the offense persists, check that the offender intends to be as rude as he seems. Ask if he meant to say that. You could say he is making you feel uncomfortable. He may shut up.
But with a persistent big mouth or bully, prepare to fight. Your aim is twofold: to silence him and retain moral high ground.
Now consider tactics. Meet slur with slander, take the fight to the lowest verbal skill level, and not only may you cede the high ground, but you may also make it far too easy for your opponent to reply in kind.
➺ Rule two: A smart riposte raises verbal and intellectual stakes
For minimal effort, maximum effect, don’t vituperate: cogitate, baffle and confuse, taking the battleground out of an opponent’s comfort zone and attacking his mode of attack.
If you can be politer, wittier, or shift the focus from his target—preferably onto him—you will put him off balance. And if he looks foolish, his thrust only injures himself.
Here, in ascending difficulty, follow twenty tactics:
1. Do nothing: As the fourth of China’s hallowed Thirty-Six Stratagems has it: “Relax while the enemy exhausts himself.” An approach for the supremely confident and powerful (think stoic Mum versus apoplectic toddler). Fold your arms and smile like you’re being paid to.
2. Laugh.
3. Challenge: Flip back a challenge, forcing the attacker to defend his attack. Repetition will do: “Idiot!”—“Idiot?”
Elizabeth II walked to a photo shoot at Buckingham Palace with Annie Leibovitz of Vanity Fair, sizzling with irritation at having to don her fiddliest ceremonial fig (cumbersome Order of the Garter robes plus tiara).
“I’m not changing anything. I’ve done enough dressing like this, thank you very much,” said the octogenarian to a flunky hefting her train.
Unfortunate then, that at the shoot Leibovitz asked Her Maj to remove the tiara to look “less dressy.”
“Less dressy?” demanded the Queen. “What do you think this is?”
She did not need to add that Leibovitz had failed to grasp the import of her robes of state, hardly a casual ensemble one may dress down for a stroll with the corgis. . . .
4. Embrace: Why expend energy on repulsing a strike when you can welcome it: “The pleasure is all mine” or “You’re too kind.” Can’t swallow all their bile? Then share the wealth: “I know, we have much in common.”
5. Quibble: Tackle the terms of your attacker’s criticism, rather than the central charge: “Sure you wouldn’t rather I parboiled my head?”
Another English queen, Elizabeth I, excelled at such parries. Late into decrepitude, as death drew nigh, she took to lolling in her chamber on heaps of cushions, gawking at nothing, like a baked fish. Anxious courtier Sir Robert Cecil ventured to say: “Your Majesty, to content the people, you must go to bed.”
“Little man, little man,” she tutted. “The word ‘must’ is not used to princes.”
6. Reject: Put the onus on the other person: “Prove it.”
7. Deflect: Feign confusion. Refocus the problem: “Somebody upset you? Let me at them.” “Don’t put yourself down.” “That’s no way to talk about your wife.” Or be slightly patronizing: “Watch out, someone might take that personally.” “Poor you!”
8. Reverse: This might be called “hold up a mirror.” I dedicate it to Griff Rhys Jones.
Life is tough for this millionaire comedian, TV host, and producer. He is always being recognized. As somebody else. Culture vulture Melvyn Bragg once introduced him to his daughter (his “biggest fan”) as actor “John Sessions.” More often he is mistaken for Hugh Laurie or Hugh Grant. And when he met the real Grant, the Notting Hill star asked him what he was up to “these days.” Hours later Rhys Jones thought of a comeback: “Well, a hell of a lot more than you!”
But I’m glad