The Art of Conversation - Catherine Blyth [92]
Eastwood thanked him. “I’m glad you took the time to see the picture, and I appreciate your comments. But why don’t you study the picture some more and see if you have any more thoughts. When you do, give me a call over at Paramount.”
“Why over at Paramount?” asked Geffen.
“Because that’s where I’ll be making my next movie.”
“The picture is perfect,” said Geffen. “I wouldn’t change one frame. Thank you very much.”
Eastwood said, “Thank you.”
17. Distract: Create a sideshow. Mount a demi-attack (implied rather than outright lampoon). Ask, “You always wear your hair like that?”, “Did you plan that outfit?”, or “Your dentist still in practice?” Or say, “Don’t let me keep you, your next drink’s waiting” or “Perhaps you’d like to share these thoughts with your mistress. There she is.”
18. Back to school: Be childish. Puerile comments are utterly disarming, because they lift calumny to a comic plane—with the happy possibility of fettering an assailant in giggles. And if he reacts badly, he appears worse than childish, humorless. So say: “Unnnh! I’m going to tell on you.”
Or try for an absurd aspersion. For instance, the body slam. This stupefyingly infantile compound item pairs an aspect of the aggressor’s physiognomy or personality with an unthreatening adjective to form an absurd epithet (alliterative or rhyming for extra impact). Such as: “yogurt-pants,” “caterpillar-features,” “cheese-brain,” “merkin-mouth,” “Brillo-brow,” “dolcelatte-legs,” “sensitive rhino,” “subtle clod,” “pocket prima donna,” “shapely dolt,” “spam-head,” “parsnip-nose,” “spud-u-like,” “iguana-face,” “Picasso-girl,” “leech-lips,” “george bush.”
Puzzling similes and metaphors are fairly dumbfounding: “When you’re emotional you look just like a boiled boot/electrocuted jelly/ wronged flamingo/rhubarb fool.” Or label your opponent as something small, dainty, or innately cuddly: “Okay, squirrel/koala/chicken wing/petal/mouse/wee thumb/diddle-diddle-dumpling/champ.”
Or personify your assailant’s mood: Say, “Sorry, Mr. Depressing /Mr. Moan/Professor Crosspatch, what seems to be the problem?” or “Show mercy, Dr. Angry/Mr. Irate.” Ask a daft question: “Have you curvature of the brain?” If you’re fired up, issue a mock-heroic curse: “May your granny toss salad in Hades” or “May you give birth to humungous hedgehogs.” Or a foolish invitation: “Go wild! Smash a grape!” or “Hence, distended dong of a disenfranchised donkey.”
For slurs with staying power, paint a picture. Sixteenth-century literary nitpicker Gabriel Harvey slandered rival Thomas Nashe as the “toadstool of the realm.” Alan Bennett neutered a monstrous uncle with a diminutive “Australian hamster.” Popular British buffoon-politician Boris Johnson dismissed rumors of adultery with the haunting “inverted pyramid of piffle.” A pity the piffle proved true.
19. Bash the basher (not for use on the violent): Take it up a notch with a hecklerism. There are answers for these (in brackets), so handle with care.
“Why don’t you take a long walk off a short pier?”
“Here’s the reason for birth control.”
“Millions of sperm and they had to pick you!”
“I can recommend a psychiatrist.”
“Is your personality terminal?”
“I bet you’re a genius from the knees down.”
“I’m sure you’re nicer than you look.”
“Want to give me a piece of your mind? Can you spare it?”
(“Age before beauty.”)
(“Daddy/Mummy!”)
(“I’m a good egg.”)
(“Quelle surprise”;
“Keep him busy?”)
(“Yours is critical.”)
(“And I have ankles”;
“We can’t all be heels.”)
(“I’m sure you look nice
in the dark.”)
(“I like giving to the less
fortunate.”)
20. The most deserved assault in the world: According to Kingsley Amis, Princess Margaret had a “habit of reminding people of her status when they venture to disagree with her in conversation.” How sad.
There is no greater conversation-shirking cowardice than pulling rank. If asked “Do you know who I am?” use a boast gag: