The Autobiography of a Quack [11]
quieted that evening when Stagers and the wolf appeared with the remainder of the money, and I learned that Mrs. File had fled from her home and, as File thought likely, from the city also. A few months later File himself disappeared, and Stagers found his way for the third time into the penitentiary. Then I felt at ease. I now see, for my own part, that I was guilty of more than one mistake, and that I displayed throughout a want of intelligence. I ought to have asked more, and also might have got a good fee from Mrs. File on account of my services as coroner. It served me, however, as a good lesson; but it was several months before I felt quite comfortable.
Meanwhile money became scarce once more, and I was driven to my wit's end to devise how I should continue to live as I had done. I tried, among other plans, that of keeping certain pills and other medicines, which I sold to my patients; but on the whole I found it better to send all my prescriptions to one druggist, who charged the patient ten or twenty cents over the correct price, and handed this amount to me.
In some cases I am told the percentage is supposed to be a donation on the part of the apothecary; but I rather fancy the patient pays for it in the end. It is one of the absurd vagaries of the profession to discountenance the practice I have described, but I wish, for my part, I had never done anything more foolish or more dangerous. Of course it inclines a doctor to change his medicines a good deal, and to order them in large quantities, which is occasionally annoying to the poor; yet, as I have always observed, there is no poverty as painful as your own, so that I prefer to distribute pecuniary suffering among many rather than to concentrate it on myself. That's a rather neat phrase.
About six months after the date of this annoying adventure, an incident occurred which altered somewhat, and for a time improved, my professional position. During my morning office-hour an old woman came in, and putting down a large basket, wiped her face with a yellow-cotton handkerchief, and afterwards with the corner of her apron. Then she looked around uneasily, got up, settled her basket on her arm with a jerk which may have decided the future of an egg or two, and remarked briskly: ``Don't see no little bottles about; got the wrong stall, I guess. You ain't no homeopath doctor, are you?''
With great presence of mind, I replied: ``Well, ma'am, that depends upon what you want. Some of my patients like one, and some like the other.'' I was about to add, ``You pay your money and you take your choice,'' but thought better of it, and held my peace, refraining from classical quotation.
``Being as that's the case,'' said the old lady, ``I'll just tell you my symptoms. You said you give either kind of medicine, didn't you?''
``Just so,'' replied I.
``Clams or oysters, whichever opens most lively, as my old Joe says--tends the oyster- stand at stall No. 9. Happen to know Joe?''
No, I did not know Joe; but what were the symptoms?
They proved to be numerous, and included a stunning in the head and a misery in the side, with bokin after victuals.
I proceeded, of course, to apply a stethoscope over her ample bosom, though what I heard on this and similar occasions I should find it rather difficult to state. I remember well my astonishment in one instance where, having unconsciously applied my instrument over a clamorous silver watch in the watch- fob of a sea-captain, I concluded for a moment that he was suffering from a rather
remarkable displacement of the heart. As to my old lady, whose name was Checkers, and who kept an apple-stand near by, I told her that I was out of pills just then, but would have plenty next day. Accordingly, I proceeded to invest a small amount at a place called a homeopathic pharmacy, which I remember amused me immensely.
A stout little German, with great silver spectacles, sat behind a counter containing numerous jars of white powders labeled concisely ``Lac.,'' ``Led.,'' ``Onis.,'' ``Op.,'' ``Puls.,'' etc., while behind
Meanwhile money became scarce once more, and I was driven to my wit's end to devise how I should continue to live as I had done. I tried, among other plans, that of keeping certain pills and other medicines, which I sold to my patients; but on the whole I found it better to send all my prescriptions to one druggist, who charged the patient ten or twenty cents over the correct price, and handed this amount to me.
In some cases I am told the percentage is supposed to be a donation on the part of the apothecary; but I rather fancy the patient pays for it in the end. It is one of the absurd vagaries of the profession to discountenance the practice I have described, but I wish, for my part, I had never done anything more foolish or more dangerous. Of course it inclines a doctor to change his medicines a good deal, and to order them in large quantities, which is occasionally annoying to the poor; yet, as I have always observed, there is no poverty as painful as your own, so that I prefer to distribute pecuniary suffering among many rather than to concentrate it on myself. That's a rather neat phrase.
About six months after the date of this annoying adventure, an incident occurred which altered somewhat, and for a time improved, my professional position. During my morning office-hour an old woman came in, and putting down a large basket, wiped her face with a yellow-cotton handkerchief, and afterwards with the corner of her apron. Then she looked around uneasily, got up, settled her basket on her arm with a jerk which may have decided the future of an egg or two, and remarked briskly: ``Don't see no little bottles about; got the wrong stall, I guess. You ain't no homeopath doctor, are you?''
With great presence of mind, I replied: ``Well, ma'am, that depends upon what you want. Some of my patients like one, and some like the other.'' I was about to add, ``You pay your money and you take your choice,'' but thought better of it, and held my peace, refraining from classical quotation.
``Being as that's the case,'' said the old lady, ``I'll just tell you my symptoms. You said you give either kind of medicine, didn't you?''
``Just so,'' replied I.
``Clams or oysters, whichever opens most lively, as my old Joe says--tends the oyster- stand at stall No. 9. Happen to know Joe?''
No, I did not know Joe; but what were the symptoms?
They proved to be numerous, and included a stunning in the head and a misery in the side, with bokin after victuals.
I proceeded, of course, to apply a stethoscope over her ample bosom, though what I heard on this and similar occasions I should find it rather difficult to state. I remember well my astonishment in one instance where, having unconsciously applied my instrument over a clamorous silver watch in the watch- fob of a sea-captain, I concluded for a moment that he was suffering from a rather
remarkable displacement of the heart. As to my old lady, whose name was Checkers, and who kept an apple-stand near by, I told her that I was out of pills just then, but would have plenty next day. Accordingly, I proceeded to invest a small amount at a place called a homeopathic pharmacy, which I remember amused me immensely.
A stout little German, with great silver spectacles, sat behind a counter containing numerous jars of white powders labeled concisely ``Lac.,'' ``Led.,'' ``Onis.,'' ``Op.,'' ``Puls.,'' etc., while behind