The Beast Within - Emile Zola [156]
‘Darling,’ she said, ‘I was so worried!’
She flung her arms round his neck and looked him in the eyes.
‘Where on earth have you been?’
He was exhausted and felt cold to the touch. He calmly reassured her that there was nothing wrong.
‘I had to do some work on the engine,’ he said. ‘I couldn’t get out of it. Sometimes they expect you to work all the hours God sends!’
She spoke quietly; there was a pleading, apologetic note in her voice.
‘Do you know what I thought?’ she said. ‘It was awful! I couldn’t bear it! ... I thought that, after what I told you, perhaps you didn’t want me any more ... And I thought that you’d left me and that you’d never come back ... ever!’
She could no longer hold back her tears. She clung to him desperately, weeping on his shoulder.
‘Oh my darling!’ she said. ‘If only you knew how much I need someone to love me! Love me! Be kind to me! Only your love can make me forget! Now that I’ve told you all my troubles, promise you will never leave me! I beg you!’
Jacques was overcome by this heartfelt plea. He felt himself gradually beginning to soften.
‘No,’ he murmured, ‘I won’t leave you. I love you. Never fear!’
It was too much for him, and he wept. He thought of the evil thing that once more possessed him; it was inescapable, he would never be cured. All that lay ahead of him was an endless night of shame and despair.
‘Love me too!’ he said. ‘Be kind to me! Love me with all your heart! I need your love as much as you need mine.’
She started. What did he mean?
‘Darling,’ she said, ‘if you have troubles, you must tell me about them.’
‘No,’ he said, ‘not troubles. They’re things that don’t exist. I get depressed, and it makes me feel very unhappy. I can’t talk about it.’
They drowned their sadness in an embrace. There would be no end to their suffering; what had happened could be neither forgotten nor forgiven. They wept in each other’s arms; they were victims of the blind forces of life - unending strife and death.
‘Come on,’ said Jacques as he released her, ‘it’s time we thought of leaving ... Tonight you’ll be in Le Havre.’
A dark look came into Séverine’s eyes. She gazed into the distance, saying nothing.
‘If only I were free!’ she murmured. ‘If only I didn’t have my husband! It would be so much easier to forget!’
Jacques raised his hands in a gesture of frustration and, as if thinking aloud, said, ‘But we can’t kill him, can we!’
Séverine stared at him. Jacques gave a start, amazed at what he had just said; the thought had never entered his head until that moment. But if he wished to kill someone, why not kill Roubaud, the man who stood in their way? As he was leaving her to go back to the engine sheds, she once more took him in her arms and covered him with kisses.
‘Oh, my darling!’ she said. ‘Love me for ever! I’ll love you more and more ... We shall be happy, you’ll see!’
IX
For the next few days back in Le Havre, Jacques and Séverine were extremely careful. They were worried. If Roubaud knew what was going on between them, he would probably be keeping an eye on them, looking for an opportunity to catch them out, so that he could wreak some terrible revenge. They remembered the jealous rages he had before and the sheer brutality of this man who had worked in the shunting yards and who let fly with his fists at the least suspicion. He had become taciturn and lethargic and he had a permanently worried look in his eyes. They were convinced he was planning some nasty trick, setting a trap so that he could discover their secret. So for the next month they were constantly on the alert and only ever saw each other when they had made absolutely sure it was safe.
But Roubaud was spending less and less time at home. Perhaps he only went away in order to come back unexpectedly and catch them in each other’s arms. But