The Black Lung Captain - Chris Wooding [60]
Let Dracken disappear without a trace, he thought. She outwitted us. Move on.
When they got to a bar, Crake and Malvery were largely left to their own devices while Frey charmed the clientele. They took their drinks to a corner and set to work on them. Conversation was minimal. Malvery kept on glancing at him, as if he was about to speak, and then didn’t.
“What?” Crake asked irritably.
“Nothing,” said Malvery.
It was the eighth or ninth bar they’d visited, and they were both unsteady on their feet, when Malvery broached the subject he’d been working up to all night.
“Know how long I’ve been an alcoholic?” he asked.
Crake picked up their bottle of rum and filled Malvery’s mug, narrowly avoiding igniting the sleeve of his coat on the candle that sat in the center of the table.
“Oh, you’re not an alcoholic,” Crake said. “You just like a drink.”
Malvery barked a laugh. “No, mate. Whatever way you cut it, I’m an alcoholic. Five years now.”
Crake didn’t quite know what to say. “How’s that going?” he managed eventually.
Malvery grinned. “Suits me, actually. I don’t mind a bit.”
“Hmm.”
They both drank from their mugs. Crake had a suspicion that something more was coming, but he wasn’t going to be the one to prompt it.
“Listen,” said Malvery. He leaned forward. His green-lensed glasses sat askew on his broad nose, and droplets of rum hung from his big white mustache.
Crake waited. When Malvery still hadn’t said anything after several seconds, he said, “Um …”
Malvery held one thick finger in the air to silence him. “Remember …” he said. “Remember I told you what I did?”
There was only one thing he could be referring to. Several years ago, he’d operated on a friend while drunk and killed him. It had cost him his livelihood, his wife, and everything he had.
“I remember,” said Crake.
Malvery’s eyes drifted out of focus. “I always thought … things could’ve gone two ways that day,” he said. Suddenly he snatched up the bottle of rum and held it between them. “See, I could’ve said, ‘Oi, mate, you know who killed your friend? That bottle in your hand! Get rid of it!’ And I’d have gone clean and sober. That would’ve been the sensible thing to do.” He put the bottle down. “But instead I just drank more. Wanted to. I wanted to block it out. To forget.”
Crake was watching the mesmerizing play of candlelight in the curve of the bottle. “That, I understand,” he said.
Malvery wiped his mustache with the back of his hand. “Let me tell you. Doesn’t work.” He tapped the bottle with a finger. “This bottle ain’t gonna forgive you, Crake. You’ve got to do that yourself.”
Crake’s eyes went to Malvery’s. “Some things can’t be forgiven,” he said.
“Then they can’t be forgotten either,” Malvery replied.
“I suppose not,” Crake conceded.
Malvery sat back in his chair. “So you can’t forgive yourself and you can’t forget. Fine. Now what?”
Crake was confused by that and irritated by the turn of the conversation. “There is no ‘now what,’ ” he said.
“ ’Course there is,” said Malvery. “You just keep on living, don’t you?”
Crake shrugged.
“Look, mate. It was you that persuaded me to pick up a scalpel again, after all those years. We saved Silo, between us. Remember that?”
“Of course I do.”
“Now I ain’t never going to be the surgeon I once was, and I’ve still got a liver blacker than pickled shit, but I know how to save a life. Maybe I’ve got ten years left, maybe just one, but maybe in that time I can save someone else. Maybe you.”
“What’s your point? That you figured out how to be a doctor again? Malvery, you’re still drinking.”
“It’s far too late for me,” he said. “Besides, I’m a damn good alcoholic.” He swigged his rum to prove the point, then wagged a finger at Crake. “But I ain’t nobody’s role model. Why’d you wanna go this way?