The Book of Secrets - Deepak Chopra [102]
People who are afraid to fall down usually were ridiculed or humiliated in the past. This is one area where parents pass on negative judgments with terrible effect—failing is something you inherit from someone who discouraged you. Fear gets attached to failure by connecting it to sense of self. “Falling down means I’m worthless.” Next to looking bad, the second most crippling mental reservation is fear of falling down and feeling like a worthless person.
Today, face yourself honestly and confront how much of this fear is inside you. The degree to which you judge yourself is the degree to which you need to heal. Most people say they hate to fail, but behind the word hate can be a wide range of emotions, from devastating collapse of the self to mild annoyance at not doing your best. You can sense where you belong on the scale. Give yourself a rating:
• I feel devastated when I fail. I can’t shake the feeling for days, and when I look back at my biggest failings I relive how intense the humiliation was.
• I feel bad enough when I fail that I usually walk away. It takes a lot for me to get back on the horse, but eventually I will. It’s a matter of pride and self-respect.
• I take failure in stride because it’s more important to accomplish what I want to do. I learn from my failures. There’s something positive in every setback. If you can learn from your mistakes you haven’t failed.
• I don’t think in terms of winning and losing. I stay centered and watch how I perform in any situation. Each response shows me a new aspect of myself. I want to understand everything, and from that perspective each experience is like turning a new page in the book of evolution.
Having assessed where you stand, develop a program for change that is suitable to that stage.
First, people at this level are oversensitive to setbacks and take them so personally that they keep reopening old wounds. If this is you, go back to the basics. Find something very minor to accomplish, such as making an omelet or jogging around the block. Set aside time to do this activity, and as you are engaged in it, feel what it’s like to succeed. Be like a good parent and praise yourself. If things go a bit wrong, tell yourself that it’s all right. You need to reformat how you feel about setting a goal and reaching it.
Inside you there is a discouraging voice that you notice too quickly and give too much credence to. Slowly develop a connection to the voice of encouragement. That is also inside you but has been drowned out by the voice of criticism. Gradually increase the challenges you are able to face. Go from making an omelet for yourself to making one for someone else. Feel what it’s like to be praised. Absorb the fact that you deserve this praise. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else—you are where you are and nowhere else. Keep reinforcing your successes.
At least once every day, do something that looks like a success in your eyes and that earns you praise from either yourself or someone else. Be sure that the external praise is sincere. It will take time, but you will notice after a while that the voice of encouragement inside you is beginning to grow. You will learn to rely on it, and you will come to understand that it is right about you.
Second, people at this level feel bad enough about falling down that they often walk away from new challenges, yet they don’t feel so bad that they are devastated. If this is you, you need more motivation because you are on the cusp of wanting to win but are reluctant to risk failure. You could tip one way or the other. To increase your motivation, you can join a team or find a coach. Team spirit will help you override the discouraging voices inside you. A coach will keep you focused so that walking away is not an option.