The Born Queen - J. Gregory Keyes [119]
But quietly, almost in passing. Not showing off, not even trying to be noticed.
She looked up at him and tried to smile. “What are you doing here, anyway?”
“Looking for you, of course.”
“Why?”
“I got to Dunmrogh and found it full up with churchmen who wanted to skin me. I knew Anne was sending you to me, and I figured you were in danger, so z’Acatto and I hid along the road, planning to waylay every carriage until we found yours.”
“How many did you waylay?”
“Only the one, really. There aren’t many casual travelers on the road these days.”
“I’m glad,” Austra said. “I was afraid I wouldn’t see you again. I knew I wouldn’t. But I should have known. You always manage to save me somehow, even if it’s just because you saved Anne.”
“It’s all for you this time,” he said.
The carriage bumped along without any talking for a little while.
“Why did she do it, Cazio?” Austra asked finally. “Why did she send you out here?”
“I don’t know. She asked me to do something I didn’t want to do, and I don’t think it sat well with her.”
Austra attempted a chuckle. “Everyone thinks she’s so different now. It’s funny.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I mean she used to be frivolous, and now she’s taken responsibility. She never even thought about being queen, and now she is.”
“It does sound like she’s changed.”
“Sort of. I love her, you have to understand, more than anyone. But I know her, too. She’s always been impossibly selfish, so selfish she didn’t even have a clue she was selfish. You know what I mean?”
“I think so,” Cazio replied.
“She always had to have her way, whoever had to pay the cost. Did you know that when we were on our way to the coven, she decided to run away? She would have if I hadn’t caught her. Actually, she still would have done it, but I broke my leg trying to catch her. She hadn’t given a single thought to what would become of me if she went missing.
“It wasn’t that she wanted to hurt me or get me in trouble; it just never occurred to her to think about whether her actions would have repercussions for others. A stablejack back in Eslen was beaten and sent away for letting her take her horse out when her mother had forbidden it. I could go on, but the fact of the matter is, the rest of us are shadows to her, some more real than others maybe, but still shadows.”
“But I think I’ve seen some change even since I’ve known her,” Cazio said.
“Yes,” Austra agreed. “Some, yes. But then she became queen.”
“Which you say she never wanted.”
“Right. Because she never thought about being queen. When we were girls, there was no chance of that ever happening. Her father didn’t get the Comven to legitimize his daughters as heirs until just before this whole mess started, and even so there were still Fastia and Elseny ahead of her.” She pushed back a little and regarded him seriously. “Now, though, she’s talked herself into believing she was forced into this new role, and true, there is something to that. But here’s the thing, Cazio: She loves it. Now she always gets her way, even if what she wants is stupid and even if everyone knows it. What queen gallivants about playing knight-errant when a serious war is threatening?”
Austra’s voice was rising as she got angrier.
“You’re right. When we were out on the road, running for our lives, she was starting to get the idea, to think about the rest of us now and then, to understand that the world wasn’t all about her, with the eyes of every foocned saint on her. But now it is all about her, isn’t it?”
“She cares about you, Austra.”
“Yes, and you. You and I are more real to her than anyone else. But it’s what we mean to her that matters: what we can do for her, how we make her feel. When we cross her, when we don’t want to do what she wants, she can’t understand it. It doesn’t make sense to her, and rather than figuring we have our own wants and reasons, she thinks we’re attacking her. You