The Brothers' Lot - Kevin Holohan [19]
“Look deep inside. Sit for a few moments and see if you hear a calling. Close your eyes and picture the Holy Ghost. You, boy! You, boy, there, with the big ears! Close your eyes now! I will tell you when to open them again! Now, repeat after me: Oh Lord, if it be Your will that I waste my life in penury and uselessness, then send not the Holy Ghost to guide me to the Brotherhood where I can atone for the sins, original, venal, and mortal, that damn my soul to the fires of Hell.
“We will now sit in silence and wait for an answer to our prayers for a vocation.”
The silence that followed was punctuated by sporadic giggling, two operatic farts, a couple of warning hisses from Mr. Laverty, and one brief two-stroke leathering that Brother Mulligan administered to Bradshaw for no discernible reason. As leatherings went, those meted out by Brother Mulligan were hardly vicious but they did not really create an atmosphere conducive to a visitation by the Holy Ghost or any other supernatural entity.
“Now open your eyes, you boys!”
Mr. Laverty threw a piece of chalk at Scully to wake him up.
“Now, every boy will take a small piece of paper. If you think you may have a calling you will write your name on that piece of paper. Every boy will hand one up. If you are not interested, leave the paper blank. This will be conducted in strict confidence and writing down your name does not bind you into anything final. No one else will know if you have a vocation or not. Is that clear?”
The boys nodded and started rummaging for paper.
“Brother, what size paper should we use?”
“Any size, you fool!”
“Brother, if the Holy Ghost came to me but about something different, should I write my name down?”
“Only if you think you might have a vocation.”
“Brother, will the Holy Ghost be able to read my name in Irish?”
“The pieces of paper are not for the Holy Ghost, you stupid amadhán!”
“Brother, does it matter what color pen you use if you aren’t writing your name?” asked Lynch, eager to outdo.
“God help me!” gasped Brother Mulligan.
“Get out and join McDonagh in the corner, Lynch,” drawled Mr. Laverty.
Lynch stood up with a look of total innocence comically plastered across his face. He stood beside McDonagh in the corner and looked hard at the floor.
“The Holy Ghost is color blind, ye sap!” whispered McDonagh. Lynch looked even harder at the floor. They could easily get a fatal attack of the giggles at this stage.
“Now then, fold the papers twice and pass them to the front. If I see anyone looking at them there’ll be trouble, I can tell you. Ha, Mr. Laverty?” babbled Brother Mulligan.
“Oh yeah, trouble, Brother,” agreed the teacher tonelessly.
Brother Mulligan gathered up the papers and counted them to make sure that everyone had given him one and then shuffled out, leaving the door wide open behind him.
Mr. Laverty turned to Lynch and McDonagh. “What’re we going to do with these two eejits? Sit down, yiz pair o’ goms,” he commanded, and shut the door with a crack.
Hardly had Mr. Laverty started back into his application form when Brother Mulligan was back at the door, this time accompanied by Brother Cox. “Brian Egan!” announced Brother Cox.
Egan stood up, dumbfounded. “It wasn’t me! I didn’t do anything! I swear, Brother, I didn’t! It couldn’t have been me! I wasn’t there! I didn’t do it!” he pleaded.
“Yes. Yes. There’s no trouble, Brian. We just want to have a little chat.”
Egan stood rooted to the spot. Brian? What the fuck? They never, ever called you by your first name. Then a jolt of understanding smacked him in the face. Some stupid shithead had put his name down for a vocation. He peered around the class, searching the faces for the telltale signs of having set him up. Scully met his eyes and smiled mischievously.
Bastard! mouthed Egan at him.
Scully gave him an ironic thumbs-up.
“Brian, we’ll step outside where we can chat in peace,” murmured Brother Cox. Brother Mulligan beamed broadly in a way that made Egan feel very uncomfortable. Dazed, he followed them out the door.