The Bullpen Gospels - Dirk Hayhurst [28]
“That won’t last,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“Every year, fine or no fine, there are people on it. And every year, someone gets caught looking up porn and leaving the links open for other guests to stumble on. It’s never your standard porn, either. It’s always make-you-gag fetishes with barn animals and stuff. Honestly, I don’t want to know who is looking that stuff up because I gotta shower with the dude. Maybe I already have?”
“Barn animals? That’s disgusting,” Brent said.
“It was you, wasn’t it?” Frenchy accused, nudging Brent.
“Yeah, right. Even if I did look at porn, I wouldn’t do it in the hotel lobby, and I wouldn’t look up that crap.”
“I’d say that too, if I was doing it, Brent,” I said.
“It’s probably one of you guys,” he countered.
I sighed heavily, “It’s me; I admit it. Nothing like a little barnyard love to get me ready for a day at Padres Spring Training 2007!”
“No beef in the team hotel,” Earp said, not referring to either burgers or barn animals. He was talking about minor league groupies or random encounters at the bar. “You get caught bringing beef back to your room, it’s gonna cost you five hundred dollars. Go to her place instead.”
“Or just do it in the lobby, I guess,” Frenchy said.
“No, seriously, go back to her place because it’s cheaper that way. If you get busted for curfew it’s only two hundred and fifty dollars—half the price.”
“Where’s Hayhurst at?” Earp shouted suddenly.
“Jesus, they caught me!” I said, winking at the boys. I put my hand up.
“Stand up, Hay!” Earp commanded. I got up as ordered and stood awkwardly in front of the entire Padres minor league troupe as well as its coaches, trainers, and staff.
“Did you wear your cup today Hayhurst?”
“Sure did,” I said, knocking on it.
“You ever think about not wearing it anymore?”
“No chance.”
“You can all thank Hayhurst here for a fifty-dollar fine if we catch you not wearing a cup out here. How hard was that line drive that almost knocked your beans off?”
“Ninety-four they said.” There was a collective groan by the audience.
“Damn.” Earp adjusted himself uncomfortably. He laughed in that strained way a person does when confronted by something really painful but still funny. The coaches just shook their heads, obviously believing my choice not to wear a cup was well beyond stupid—which it was.
Earp turned back to us. “Alright, fifty dollars if you don’t wear a cup, got it?”
I sat back down while he was putting the price on the threat. I didn’t want to relive that experience any more than I had to, but thanks to Earp’s callout, I’d be explaining it for the rest of the day. Yes, I got hit in the nuts with a ninety-four miles per hour line drive while not wearing a cup. I just didn’t like the way a cup felt when I pitched, so I didn’t wear one. Never did, not even in college. People would always joke it was going to catch up to me, but I didn’t buy it. Turns out, I was wrong. Now one of my nads has a seam mark on it. It was the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life, ripping through my body like a chainsaw, not letting up for twenty-four hours.
“Did you lose one?” Frenchy asked.
“No, but I was dangerously close. I remember praying I would never think another impure thought if God would just let me keep them!”
“So does everything work down there?”
“I think so. I haven’t tried to have kids yet, but everything seems to function like it’s supposed to.”
“Well, you should be ashamed of yourself, if you ask me,” Brent said.
“Why is that?”
“Promising God no more impure thoughts and then looking up sheep porn on the lobby computer, it’s just wrong.”
“Alright,” Earp said, resuming his lecture. He had folded up his notes and was about to end the meeting but was looking to go out on a bang. “Anyone got any good jokes?” He looked over the crowd, but no one felt courageous. “Lars,