The Bullpen Gospels - Dirk Hayhurst [65]
Almost on cue, the girls on the elimination dating show were taking turns kissing some guy to convince him not to eliminate them. Slappy busted up laughing when he saw it. “I told you! I rest my case. Girls are way worse than guys.”
“Impossible,” Seth said. He wriggled his way out of his comfortable spot on the couch and turned to face Slappy. He’d been listening the entire time, just waiting for a chance to chime in. In the clubhouse, you can hear what everyone is saying, so you’re in every conversation whether you want to be or not. Most minor league clubhouses are so small, you can hear everyone’s goings-on, unless they are specifically trying to keep it private. Players will add their two cents to any conversation at any time.
“Guys run on pure hormones. It’s what the porn industry is built around. I can’t believe girls could possibly be worse than guys,” Seth continued.
“See, that’s where you’re wrong.” Slappy was getting wound up now that he had someone to debate with.
“Great, now you got him going,” Tiny said. He’d finished putting on his uniform and was now walking over to the Gatorade machine with a dollar. He needed some electrolytes after the night he had. In the upper levels, Gatorades are free. Here, however, you’ve got to spend a buck if you want one. Tiny put his dollar in the machine and it ate it.
“Piece of shit!” he yelled, punching the thieving machine. He didn’t love tap it either; he beat the hell out of it. That machine ate more dollars than it vended, and we broke it several times in retribution.
Slappy paid no attention to Tiny’s siege on the vending machine. He was focused intently, listing his reasons on why girls were worse than guys. Unfortunately, the “man on vending machine” violence distracted me, so I only caught the end of it.
“And if you do the math, the average girl holds about fifty penises in her lifetime.”
“Fifty penises? Fifty? You’re out of your mind. Maybe twenty, but no chance fifty,” Seth countered.
“I can’t believe you are arguing about this. You should know better, Seth,” Maddog said, sitting on a beanbag chair with a huge dip in it. He had been silent the whole time too, save for when he’d spit into his empty Gatorade bottle. He loved watching Slappy go.
“Sometimes his bullshit is just so ridiculous you have to straighten him out,” Seth said.
“It’s not bullshit. It’s math. It’s numbers, and numbers don’t lie. I’m working with empirical fucking evidence here!” Slappy said.
Guys were coming in and changing throughout the conversation. Because the crowd for the debate reshaped so frequently, it was often paused and reexplained so that newcomers who wondered why in the hell Slappy was talking about fifty penises could catch up. Maddog, Brent, Frenchy, Pickles, and I all sat in a row watching it unfold. Seth, Tiny, Stubbs, and Frenchy argued for the under. Slappy, Pickles, and Lunchbox claimed the over. Yordanny tried to steal the show with stupid stories of his own, but was ignored. Blanks and some other position players just walked away, tired of hearing Slappy argue about something as stupid as the average penis-handling level of American females. I don’t know where the rest of the guys were, but they were missing out.
It ended ultimately in a stalemate. Slappy said most sexually active chicks touch about three to six wangs in high school, at least one a month in college, around a dozen when they got out of college, and, with the current divorce rates in America, at least two in their marriage years. Seth said it was less because the kind of chicks Slappy was used to were desperate to begin with. He also said Slappy’s math didn’t account for nuns or lesbians. Slappy countered with porn stars, but the peanut gallery agreed “sexual professionals” shouldn’t be included in the sample. All in all, it was a fascinating discussion, utilizing the full brainpower of the average minor league team. It was concluded just in time for batting practice that girls today are probably more slutty than