The Caged Virgin - Ayaan Hirsi Ali [66]
You will have to furnish your new dwelling yourself, so find out where the best secondhand shops are.
9. State of Mind
Leaving is a big challenge. You feel strong, you are looking forward to the moment, but at the same time you are very vulnerable. You will experience a dip in your emotional high and feel lonely; not everybody will be understanding, and that includes some of your new friends. The person in whom you have put your trust can help you strengthen your inner resilience. Remember that, even with all the help from others, you remain on your own, you are responsible for yourself. Expect there to be good and bad days, do not talk yourself down, and do not feel sorry for yourself. You will want to contact your family because you miss the warmth, the cousins, and the familiarity. Every family has its important moments: birthdays, funerals, Eid, and so on. You will feel extra lonely on these days. But bear in mind that getting in touch with your family can have serious consequences. Calls and letters can be traced.
There are consolations, though. Plenty of women like you have managed to reestablish good contact with their families. But this often takes years. You absolutely must wait until you are self-reliant financially and emotionally. You must have found a job to be able to keep yourself strong so that you can resist their complaints and urgings that you should come home. You need to be able to stop your ears against the emotional blackmail they may try on you.
10. The Moment of Departure
You have taken care of everything. You are still certain you are doing the right thing. You have good friends who are ready to help you. You believe in yourself, your friends, and the future. You have an address, an income, and you have enrolled yourself as a student. Perhaps you are still at school or halfway through college. You have secretly smuggled your most valued possessions out of the house. You are sure no one has noticed. Your behavior has been exemplary, and the day of your departure has finally come. The weather is fine, or perhaps it is raining. Tonight you will sleep at your new address—your room or whatever—for the very first time. But wait: how are you actually going to leave? Are you simply going to walk out and pull the door behind you without so much as a good-bye?
Yes, you are, because you must avoid drawing attention to yourself.
AND THEN YOU are gone.
What happens next?
Your parents do not know where you are and will be worried. They will need to be reassured that you left of your own accord. Before you go, write them a letter in which you explain that you love them, but that your plans for your life differ from theirs; that you respect the way they live but want to go your own way. You can mail it immediately when you leave so it can’t be traced to your new location.
Call them, eventually. You will want to get in touch with them from time to time, but make sure your number cannot be traced: call from a public phone or somewhere without number recognition. It can be good to call from a public place with plenty of people around you. That way you can keep the conversation short and to the point.
You will now have to learn how to function in society. In spite of all the negative aspects of your upbringing, it has taught you some valuable skills: you are capable of adjusting to others; you are trained at doing domestic chores. You have also learned to survive under difficult circumstances and are used to the fact that things often do not go your way. Unlike many men,