The clan of the cave bear_ a novel - Jean M. Auel [175]
“Ayla, Ayla,” Iza soothed, holding the sobbing young woman in her arms.
“I didn’t know I was so ugly, mother. I didn’t know. What man will ever want me? I’ll never have a mate. And I’ll never have a baby. I’ll never have anyone. Why do I have to be so ugly?”
“I don’t know if you’re really so ugly, Ayla. You’re different.”
“I’m ugly! I’m ugly!” Ayla shook her head, refusing to be comforted. “Look at me! I’m too big, I’m taller than Broud and Goov. I’m almost as tall as Brun! And I’m ugly. I’m big and ugly and I’ll never have a mate,” she gestured with fresh sobs.
“Ayla! Stop it!” Iza commanded, shaking her shoulders. “You can’t help the way you look. You were not born to the Clan, Ayla, you were born to the Others, you look the way they look. You can’t change that, you must accept it. It’s true you may never have a mate. That can’t be helped; you must accept that, too. But it’s not certain, it’s not hopeless. Soon you will be a medicine woman, a medicine woman of my line. Even without a mate, you will not be a woman without status, without value.
“Next summer is the Clan Gathering. There will be many clans there; this is not the only clan, you know. You may find a mate in one of the other clans. Maybe not a young man or one with high status, but a mate. Zoug thinks very well of you; you are fortunate that he holds you in such high regard. He has already given Creb a message to take with him. Zoug has kin in another clan; he told Creb to tell them of his regard for you. He thinks you will make some man a good mate and wants them to consider you. He even said he would take you if he were younger. Remember that, this is not the only clan, these are not the only men in the world.”
“Zoug said that? Even though I’m so ugly?” Ayla gestured, a look of hope in her eyes.
“Yes, Zoug said that. With his recommendation and the status of my line, I’m sure there will be some man who will take you, even if you do look different.”
Ayla’s tremulous smile faded. “But won’t that mean I’ll have to go away? Live someplace else? I don’t want to leave you and Creb and Uba.”
“Ayla, I am old. Creb is no young man either, and in a few years Uba will be a woman and mated. What will you do then?” Iza motioned. “Someday Brun will pass the leadership on to Broud. I don’t think you should live with this clan when Broud becomes leader. I think it might be best if you moved away, and the Clan Gathering may be your opportunity.”
“I suppose you’re right, mother. I don’t think I want to live here when Broud is leader, but I hate the thought of leaving you,” she said with a frown, then brightened. “But next summer is a whole year away. I don’t have to worry about it until then.”
A whole year, Iza thought. My Ayla, my child. Maybe you have to be my age to know how fast a year goes. You don’t want to leave me? You don’t know how I’ll miss you. If only there were a man in this clan who would take you. If only Broud were not going to be leader.
But the woman gave no hint of her thoughts as Ayla wiped her eyes and went back to get water. This time she avoided looking in the still pool.
Later that afternoon, Ayla stood at the edge of the woods looking through the brush at the cave. Several people were outside working or talking. She shifted the two rabbits that were slung over her shoulder, looked down at the sling tucked in her waist thong, stuffed it in a fold of her wrap, then took it out and tucked it back at her waist in plain sight. She looked again at the cave, shuffling nervously.
Brun said I could, she thought. They had a ceremony so I could. I’m a hunter, I’m the Woman Who Hunts. Ayla lifted her chin and stepped out from behind the concealing screen of foliage.
For a long, frozen moment, everyone outside the cave stopped and stared at the young woman walking toward them with two rabbits slung over her shoulder. As soon as they got over the shock and realized their bad manners, they looked away. Ayla’s