The clan of the cave bear_ a novel - Jean M. Auel [200]
I don’t want you to be alone; I don’t want to be alone, either. I want to go home, Ayla sobbed, burying her head in her infant’s swaddling. I want to see Uba again, and Creb. I want my mother. But I can’t go home. Brun’s mad at me. I made him lose face and he’s going to curse me. I didn’t know it would make him lose face, I just didn’t want you to die. Brun’s not so bad; he let me hunt. What if I didn’t try to force him to accept you? What if I just begged him to let you live? If I went back now, he wouldn’t lose face; there’s still time, there are two fingers left before your naming day. Maybe then he wouldn’t be so angry.
What if he is? What if he says no? What if they take you away from me? I wouldn’t want to live if they took you away now. If you have to die, I want to die too. If I go back and Brun says you have to die, I’ll beg him to curse me. I’ll die too. I won’t let you go back to the world of the spirits alone, my baby; I promise if you have to go, I’ll go with you. I’m going right now and beg Brun to let me keep you. What else can I do?
Ayla began throwing things into her collecting basket. She wrapped the baby in the carrying cloak and both of them in her fur wrap and pushed aside the branches that hid the small cave. As she was crawling out, her eyes fell on something glittering in the sun. A sparkling gray rock lay at her feet. She picked it up. It wasn’t just one rock, but three small nodules of iron pyrite stuck together. She turned it over in her hand and watched the fool’s gold glitter. As often as she had gone in and out of the small cave over the years, she had never seen the unusual stone before.
Ayla clutched it in her hand and closed her eyes. Can this be a sign? A sign from my totem?
“Great Cave Lion,” she motioned. “Did I make the right decision? Are you telling me I should go back now? O Cave Lion, let this be a sign. Let this be a sign that you have found me worthy, that it was all another test. Let this be a sign that my baby will live.”
Her fingers shook as she untied the knots of the small leather bag she wore around her neck. She added the oddly shaped glittering stone to the red-stained oval of mammoth tusk, the fossil cast of a gastropod, and the lump of red ochre. Her heart pounding with fear, and one desperate hope, Ayla started down to the cave of the clan.
21
Uba came running into the cave gesticulating wildly. “Mother! Mother! Ayla’s back!”
Iza’s face drained. “No! It can’t be. Is the baby with her? Uba, did you go to see her? Did you tell her?”
“Yes, mother, I saw her. I told her how mad Brun was, I told her not to come back,” the girl motioned.
Iza hurried to the entrance and saw Ayla walking slowly toward Brun. She crumpled to the ground at his feet, leaning forward over her infant protectively.
“She’s early, she must have misjudged the time,” Brun motioned to the magician hurriedly shuffling out of the cave.
“She didn’t misjudge, Brun. She knows it’s early, she came back on purpose,” Mog-ur signaled.
The leader eyed the old man, wondering how he could be so positive. Then he glanced down at the young woman and back at Mog-ur a little apprehensively.
“Are you sure the charms you made to protect us will work? She should still be isolated, her female curse cannot be over yet, it’s always much longer after giving birth.”
“The charms are strong, Brun, made from the bones of Ursus. You are protected. You may ‘see’ her,” the magician replied.
Brun turned back and stared at the young woman huddled over her infant, quaking with fear. I should curse her right now, he thought angrily. But it’s not the child’s naming day. If Mog-ur is right, why did she come back early? And with the baby? He must still be alive or she wouldn’t have him with her. Her disobedience is unforgivable, but why did she come back early? His curiosity was too much for him; he tapped her on the shoulder.
“This unworthy woman has been disobedient,” Ayla began with the silent, formal motions, not looking directly