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The SON

A MAID

A LUSTY SERVANT

KNIGHT, a magistrate

Officers]

Scene i. A house in Yorkshire

Enter Oliver and Ralph, two serving-men.

OLIVER

Sirrah Ralph, my young mistress is in such a pitiful, passionate humour for the long absence of her love.

RALPH

Why, can you blame her? Why, apples hanging longer on the tree then when they are ripe [make] so many fallings. Viz, mad wenches, because they are not gathered in time, are fain to drop of themselves, and then 'tis common, you know, for every man to take 'em up.

OLIVER

Mass, thou sayest true, 'tis common indeed. But, sirrah, is neither our young master returned, nor our fellow Sam come from London?

RALPH

Neither of either, as the puritan bawd says. [Noise within] 'Slid, I hear Sam; Sam's come, [here's] tarry. Come, i'faith, now my nose itches for news.

OLIVER

And so does mine elbow.

SAM

[Calls within] Where are you there?

[Enter Sam and a Boy.]

Boy, look you walk my horse with discretion; I have rid him simply. I warrant his skin sticks to his back with very heat; if 'a should catch cold and get the cough of the lungs, I were well served, were I not?

[Exit Boy.]

What, Ralph and Oliver!

AMBO

Honest fellow Sam, welcome, i'faith! What tricks hast thou brought from London?

[Sam is] furnished with things from London [which he now presents].

SAM

You see I am hang'd after the truest fashion: three hats, and two glasses bobbling upon 'em, two rebato wires upon my breast, a cap-case by my side, a brush at my back, an almanac in my pocket, and three ballads in my codpiece. Nay, I am the true picture of a common serving-man.

OLIVER

I'll swear thou art. Thou mayest set up when thou wilt. There's many a one begins with less, I can tell thee, that proves a rich man ere he dies. But what's the news from London, Sam?

RALPH

Ay, that's well fed. What's the news from London, sirrah? My young mistress keeps such a puling for her love.

SAM

Why? The more fool she, ay, the more ninnyhammer she.

OLIVER

Why, Sam, why?

SAM

Why, he's married to another long ago.

AMBO

I'faith, ye jest.

SAM

Why, did you not know that till now? Why, he's married, beats his wife, and has two or three children by her: for you must note that any woman bears the more when she is beaten.

RALPH

Ay, that's true, for she bears the blows.

OLIVER

Sirrah Sam, I would not for two years' wages my young mistress knew so much. She'd run upon the left hand of her wit, and ne'er be her own woman again.

SAM

And I think she was blest in her cradle, that he never came in her bed. Why, he has consumed all, pawned his lands, and made his university brother stand in wax for him. There's a fine phrase for a scrivener. Puh, he owes more than his skin's worth.

OLIVER

Is't possible?

SAM

Nay, I'll tell you moreover he calls his wife whore as familiarly as one would call [Moll and Doll], and his children bastards as naturally as can be. But what have we here? [Pulls out two poking-sticks] I thought 'twas somewhat pulled down my breeches: I quite forget my two poting-sticks. These came from London; now anything is good here that came from London.

OLIVER

Ay, farfetched, you know.

SAM

But speak in your conscience, i'faith: have not we as good poting-sticks i' th' country as need to be put i' th' fire? The mind of a thing is all, the mind of a thing is all. And as thou saidst e'en now, farfetched is the best thing for ladies.

OLIVER

Ay, and for waiting gentlewomen, too.

SAM

But Ralph, what, is our beer [sour] this thunder?

OLIVER

No, no, it holds countenance yet.

SAM

Why then, follow me. I'll teach you the finest humour to be drunk it; I learn'd it at London last week.

AMBO

Ay, faith, let's hear it, let's hear it.

SAM

The bravest humour, 'twould do a man good to be drunk in't. They call it knighting in London, when they drink upon their knees.

AMBO

Faith, that's excellent!

[SAM]

Come, follow me. I'll give you all the degrees on't in order.

Exeunt.

Scene ii. Outside the Husband's house,