The Complete Works of William Shakespeare - Israel Gollancz William Shakespeare [767]
AJAX.
The proclamation!
THERSITES.
Thou art proclaim'd, a fool, I think.
AJAX.
Do not, porpentine, do not; my fingers itch.
THERSITES.
I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had the
scratching of thee; I would make thee the loathsomest scab in
Greece. When thou art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another.
AJAX.
I say, the proclamation.
THERSITES.
Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles; and
thou art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at
Proserpina's beauty-ay, that thou bark'st at him.
AJAX.
Mistress Thersites!
THERSITES.
Thou shouldst strike him.
AJAX.
Cobloaf!
THERSITES.
He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a
sailor breaks a biscuit.
AJAX.
You whoreson cur! [Strikes
him]
THERSITES.
Do, do.
AJAX.
Thou stool for a witch!
THERSITES.
Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more
brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinico may tutor thee.
You
scurvy valiant ass! Thou art here but to thrash Troyans, and thou
art bought and sold among those of any wit like a barbarian
slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel and tell
what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou!
AJAX.
You dog!
THERSITES.
You scurvy lord!
AJAX.
You cur! [Strikes
him]
THERSITES.
Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS
ACHILLES.
Why, how now, Ajax! Wherefore do you thus?
How now, Thersites! What's the matter, man?
THERSITES.
You see him there, do you?
ACHILLES.
Ay; what's the matter?
THERSITES.
Nay, look upon him.
ACHILLES.
So I do. What's the matter?
THERSITES.
Nay, but regard him well.
ACHILLES.
Well! why, so I do.
THERSITES.
But yet you look not well upon him; for who some ever
you take him to be, he is Ajax.
ACHILLES.
I know that, fool.
THERSITES.
Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
AJAX.
Therefore I beat thee.
THERSITES.
Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! His
evasions have ears thus long. I have bobb'd his brain more than
he has beat my bones. I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and
his pia mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow. This
lord, Achilles, Ajax-who wears his wit in his belly and his guts
in his head-I'll tell you what I say of him.
ACHILLES.
What?
THERSITES.
I say this Ajax- [AJAX offers to strike
him]
ACHILLES.
Nay, good Ajax.
THERSITES.
Has not so much wit-
ACHILLES.
Nay, I must hold you.
THERSITES.
As will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom he comes to fight.
ACHILLES.
Peace, fool.
THERSITES.
I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will
not-
he there; that he; look you there.
AJAX.
O thou damned cur! I shall-
ACHILLES.
Will you set your wit to a fool's?
THERSITES.
No, I warrant you, the fool's will shame it.
PATROCLUS.
Good words, Thersites.
ACHILLES.
What's the quarrel?
AJAX.
I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenour of the
proclamation, and he rails upon me.
THERSITES.
I serve thee not.
AJAX.
Well, go to, go to.
THERSITES.
I serve here voluntary.
ACHILLES.
Your last service was suff'rance; 'twas not
voluntary. No
man is beaten voluntary. Ajax was here the voluntary, and you as
under an impress.
THERSITES.
E'en so; a great deal of your wit too lies in your
sinews, or else there be liars. Hector shall have a great catch
an he knock out either of your brains: 'a were as good crack a
fusty nut with no kernel.
ACHILLES.
What, with me too, Thersites?
THERSITES.
There's Ulysses and old Nestor-whose wit was mouldy ere
your grandsires had nails on their toes-yoke you like draught
oxen, and make you plough up the wars.
ACHILLES.
What, what?
THERSITES.
Yes, good sooth. To Achilles, to Ajax, to-
AJAX.
I shall cut out your tongue.
THERSITES.
'Tis no matter; I shall speak as much as thou afterwards.
PATROCLUS.
No more words, Thersites; peace!
THERSITES.
I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall I?
ACHILLES.
There's