The Courage Tree - Diane Chamberlain [118]
She turned away from him, and he could practically see the wheels spinning inside her head. He knew what she was thinking.
“I don’t think you should go back to West Virginia alone,” he said.
“I won’t go today,” she said. “I want to be near you. But I’m not giving up on Sophie. I can’t explain it, Lucas, but I know she’s out there.”
There was something in her eyes he had not noticed before. Determination, yes, but more than that. Her eyes had an almost maniacal sheen that made him afraid for her.
“Jan,” he said, “look at me. Look at what’s happened to me by skipping dialysis, by eating more haphazardly than usual, by not taking all my medications faithfully. And now realize…I know it’s hard, but please, Jan, try to face the facts. Sophie still needs dialysis. You know she wasn’t yet to the point where she could get by with Herbalina alone. And she’s missed two Herbalina treatments now. Plus, she’s had no food since the crash, except maybe whatever she could find growing wild in the forest.”
She looked away from him again. The crazy sheen in her eyes had turned to tears, ready to spill over her cheeks at any moment.
“I know it’s terrible to think about,” he said. “I know it’s excruciating, but—”
“And I can’t think about it.” She stood up. “All right. You win. I’m going home.”
There was no anger in her voice, but he knew he’d hurt her by ripping the hope from her heart.
“Please call me if you need anything,” she said. “I’ll check back later to see if they admitted you.”
“Okay,” he said. “Thank you for bringing me here.”
She leaned over to kiss him on the lips. “I love you,” she said. “Get better, please. I can’t lose you, too.”
He watched her leave, the soft-sided cooler containing the Herbalina the last thing he saw as she walked out the door.
He wondered if he should call her later, if he should reveal everything to her. He could tell her that he, too, knew the pain of losing a child. But he knew he would not make that call. She had learned enough of his deception for one day.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Janine had experienced moments of anguish and despair over the last few years with Sophie, but nothing compared to the way she was feeling now. Sitting on the sofa in her cottage, she watched old videotapes of her daughter. In her mind, the videos were divided into those featuring the relatively healthy Sophie, before she was five, and those starring the sick Sophie, beginning just before the failed transplant. Sophie may have been dancing or skating or mugging for the camera in each period of her life, but Janine could see the difference in her daughter’s face. The healthy Sophie hadn’t a care in the world. Her smile was genuine, unafraid, trusting of the world. The sick Sophie often wore a smile, as well, but it was a brave smile, a smile to mask the fear and discomfort. A smile designed to reassure her mother.
Lucas was in a couple of the most recent videos. One of Janine’s favorite tapes had been made in the tree house just a few weeks earlier, when the Herbalina was beginning to work its magic. A happy, unpained smile was on Sophie’s lips as she helped Lucas sweep off the deck of the tree house. Lucas used a large push broom, while Sophie swept with a smaller kitchen broom. There were giggles and laughter and lots of affectionate looks passing between them. Lots of love. Watching the film, Janine fought the tears filling her eyes. Was she going to lose both of them? she wondered. Both Sophie and Lucas?
Lucas’s nurse, Sherry, had caught up with Janine before she left the dialysis unit.
“He’s told me about you,” Sherry said. “I know all about your daughter. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. This must be a very hard time for you.”
“Yes, it is, thanks,” Janine had said.
“Lucas seems to care a lot about your daughter and you,” Sherry had continued. “He’s a smart guy, but he’s been taking too many chances with his health lately. I’m not sure what’s going on with him.”
“He’s been helping me,” Janine said.
“Right. And I get the impression