The Courage Tree - Diane Chamberlain [35]
She’d gotten out of bed to walk downstairs to the study, a room she’d been avoiding ever since Max’s death. Sure enough, the Persian rug and the burgundy walls lined with books and awards still held his scent, that musky scent of cigars, as though he’d just left the room for a moment. Standing stock-still in the doorway of the room, she’d had to shut her eyes and remind herself that he was dead. This was the room where she’d found him, crumpled on the floor near the hearth, the way a blanket would crumple if you dropped it, limp and folded in on itself. She’d known instantly that he was dead, and yet she’d screamed his name over and over as if he could hear her. It had been his third and final heart attack. The cigars were to blame, she’d thought. Or maybe the pace he’d insisted on holding himself to. He’d been seventy years old and still producing a movie a year, still insisting on having his hand in every aspect of it, from the casting to the final cut. She did not, however, blame herself, except for not checking on him sooner when he hadn’t come up to bed that evening. She had been a good wife to him, and he had been the finest of husbands. A forty-year-old marriage in Hollywood was something to point to with pride. Yet, she’d hoped to see fifty years with him, and maybe more.
She could not be the single woman again, not at sixty. Not with the paparazzi following her every move, noting each new wrinkle, each gray root marking the birth of every dark-blond hair on her head. She’d been known for that long, thick, shimmery blond hair since she was a little girl, and she had not been able to let go of it. She’d had three surgeries on her face already, and she was sick of the doctors and the recovery time and the fact that she no longer looked like herself. And now the wrinkles were starting again and the tabloids were taunting her. They criticized the extra pounds she’d put on. Last year, one of them had described her as a mountain. A mountain! Only Max had still seemed to think she was beautiful and desirable and valuable, and when he died, there was no one to tell her the tabloids were simply wrong and mean-spirited. She’d been an actress and a singer since she was three years old, well-known enough to go by her first name alone, like Cher and Madonna and Ann-Margret. Only those women were aging far better than she was. Escape began to sound marvelous. She would not have to endure growing old in the unforgiving spotlight.
In Max’s study, she’d found an atlas. She’d taken it with her down to the first level of the house, where the floor was covered with Italian tiles the color of eggshells. Small changing rooms, where people could slip into their bathing suits in the summer months before heading out to the beach, lined one side of the broad hallway. One of the rooms on the other side of the hall was used for storage, and that was her destination.
She had a goal, but it took her much of the night to find what she was looking for, because she could not stop herself from sorting through the old reviews in the scrapbooks piled on the shelves. There were the sparkling reviews of her as a child star, and critical acclaim of her as an adult. “Zoe possesses a voice like torn satin,” one of them read. “The Kiss, an otherwise lackluster film, glows due to a phenomenal performance by Zoe,” read another. Reading the reviews pulled her down into a deep well of pain. She’d had a past few could point to with such pride, a past so joyful and full that her present sense of loss—of her husband, her beauty, her fans—was beyond bearing. There was only one thing