The crystal cave - Mary Stewart [77]
"And does Ambrosius know?"
"Ambrosius is a King's man, too."
We walked for a few paces in silence. "Well, and what comes to me, Belasius?"
"Nothing."
"Isn't it sacrilege to spy on your secrets?"
"You're safe enough," he said dryly. "Ambrosius has a long arm. Why do you look like that?"
I shook my head. I could not have put it into words, even to myself. It was like suddenly having a shield put into your hand when you are naked in battle.
He said: "You weren't afraid?"
"No."
"By the Goddess, I think that's true. Ambrosius was right, you have courage."
"If I have, it's hardly the kind that you need admire. I thought once that I was better than other boys because there were so many of their fears I couldn't share or understand. I had others of my own, of course, but I learned to keep them to myself. I suppose that was a kind of pride. But now I am beginning to understand why, even when danger and death lie openly waiting in the path, I can walk straight by them."
He stopped. We were nearly at the grove. "Tell me why."
"Because they are not for me. I have feared for other men, but never in that way for myself. Not yet. I think what men fear is the unknown. They fear pain and death, because these may be waiting round any corner. But there are times when I know what is hidden, and waiting, or when -- I told you -- I see it lying straight in the pathway. And I know where pain and danger lie for me, and I know that death is not yet to come; so I am not afraid. This isn't courage."
He said slowly: "Yes. I knew you had the Sight."
"It comes only sometimes, and at the god's will, not mine." I had said too much already; he was not a man to share one's gods with. I said quickly, to turn the subject: "Belasius, you must listen to me. None of this is Ulfin's fault. He refused to tell us anything, and would have stopped me if he could."
"You mean that if there is any paying to be done, you're offering to do it?"
"Well, it seems only fair, and after all, I can afford to." I laughed at him, secure behind my invisible shield. "What's it to be? An old-fashioned religion like yours must have a few minor penalties held in reserve? Shall I die of the cramps in my sleep tonight, or get ripped by a boar next time I ride in the forest without my black dog?"
He smiled for the first time. "You needn't think you'll escape quite freely. I've a use for you and this Sight of yours, be sure of that. Ambrosius is not the only one who uses men for what they are worth, and I intend to use you. You have told me you were led here tonight; it was the Goddess herself who led you, and to the Goddess you must go." He dropped an arm round my shoulders. "You are going to pay for this night's work, Merlin Emrys, in coin that will content her. The Goddess is going to hunt you down, as she does all men who spy on her mystery -- but not to destroy you. Oh, no; not Actaeon, my apt little scholar, but Endymion. She will take you into her embrace. In other words, you are going to study until I can take you with me to the sanctuary, and present you there."
I would have liked to say, "Not if you wrapped my guts round every tree in the forest," but I held my tongue. Take power where it is offered, he had said, and -- remembering my vigil by the ash tree -- there had been power there, of a kind. We should see. I moved -- but courteously -- from under the arm round my shoulders, and led the way up into the grove.
If Ulfin had been frightened before, he was almost speechless with terror when he saw me with his master, and realized where I had been.
"My lord...I thought he had gone home...Indeed, my lord, Cadal said -- "
"Hand me my cloak," said Belasius, "and put this thing in the saddle-bag."
He threw down the white robe which he had been carrying. It fell loosely, unfolding, near the tree