The crystal cave - Mary Stewart [88]
"Am I so like?"
"They say so. And I see enough of Uther in you to know why everyone said you were mine."
"Apparently he didn't see it," I said. "Is he very angry about it, or is he only relieved to find I'm not your catamite after all?"
"You knew about that?" He looked amused. "If he'd think with his brains instead of his body sometimes he'd be the better for it. As it is, we deal together very well. He does one kind of work, as I another, and if I can make the way straight, he'll make a king after me, if I have no -- "
He bit off the word. In the queer little silence that followed I looked at the floor.
"Forgive me." He spoke quietly, equal to equal. "I spoke without thought. For so long a time I have been used to the idea that I had no son."
I looked up. "It's still the truth, in the sense you mean. And it's certainly the truth as Uther will see it."
"Then if you see it the same way, my path is the smoother."
I laughed. "I don't see myself as a king. Half a king, perhaps, or more likely a quarter -- the little bit that sees and thinks, but can't do. Perhaps Uther and I between us might make one, if you go? He's larger than life already, wouldn't you say?"
But he didn't smile. His eyes had narrowed, with an arrested look. "This is how I have been thinking, or something like it. Did you guess?"
"No sir, how could I?" I sat up straight as it broke on me: "Is this how you thought you might use me? Of course I realize now why you kept me here, in your house, and treated me so royally, but I've wanted to believe you had plans for me -- that I could be of use to you. Belasius told me you used every man according to his capacity, and that even if I were no use as a soldier, you would still use me somehow. This is true?"
"Quite true. I knew it straight away, before I even thought you might be my son, when I saw how you faced Uther that night in the field, with the visions still in your eyes, and the power all over you like a shining skin. No, Merlin, you will never make a king, or even a prince as the world sees it, but when you are grown I believe you will be such a man that, if a king had you beside him, he could rule the world. Now do you begin to understand why I sent you to Belasius?"
"He is a very learned man," I said cautiously.
"He is a corrupt and a dangerous man," said Ambrosius directly. "But he is a sophisticated and clever man who has travelled a good deal and who has skills you will not have had the chance to master in Wales. Learn from him. I don't say follow him, because there are places where you must not follow him, but learn all you can."
I looked up, then nodded. "You know about him." It was a conclusion, not a question.
"I know he is a priest of the old religion. Yes."
"You don't mind this?"
"I cannot yet afford to throw aside valuable tools because I don't like their design," he said. "He is useful, so I use him. You will do the same, if you are wise."
"He wants to take me to the next meeting."
He raised his brows but said nothing.
"Will you forbid this?" I asked.
"No. Will you go?"
"Yes." I said slowly, and very seriously, searching for the words: "My lord, when you are looking for...what I am looking for, you have to look in strange places. Men can never look at the sun, except downwards, at his reflection in things of earth. If he is reflected in a dirty puddle, he is still the sun. There is nowhere I will not look, to find him."
He was smiling. "You see? You need no guarding, except what Cadal can do." He leaned back against the edge of the table, half sitting, relaxed now and easy. "Emrys, she called you. Child of the light. Of the immortals. Divine. You knew that's what it meant?"
"Yes."
"Didn't you know it was the same as mine?"
"My name?" I asked, stupidly.
He nodded. "Emrys...Ambrosius; it's the same word. Merlinus Ambrosius -- she called you after me."
I stared at him. "I -- yes, of course. It never occurred to me." I laughed.
"Why do you laugh?"
"Because of our names. Ambrosius, prince of light...She told everyone